Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jiggling fat is a little more fun when you imagine a dubstep noise coming out of it.

   I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.

   Protestors successfully shut down a Trump rally...then they fire guns and start looting. That will only create more support for Trump you ignorant fool protestors.

   Keith Emerson is dead from an apparent suicide. I guess he wasn't such a Lucky Man after all.

   "At least Trump is entertaining." - people who entertain themselves by pulling the wings off of butterflies

   "I like Trump because I'm sick of political correctness" translates to "I wish I could say the n-word in public, not just among friends."

   Can't wait for Game of Thrones. During this election it'll be refreshing to watch people competing for a crown in a more civilized way.

   Has Fox News blamed Obama for Nancy Reagan's death yet?

   Sorry I fed your baby trash, I thought it was a raccoon

   My coworker likes Trump because "he always speaks his mind." Wonder how much my coworker would like me if I always spoke my mind.

   Ben Carson endorsing Donald Trump is like Ambien endorsing Cyanide.

   Chicago built a wall to keep Donald Trump out. lol

   Mariah Sharapova living proof that Russians love to cheat.

   Ben Carson endorses Donald Trump after receiving a sign from God. This election year is a gift horse that keeps on giving.

   I wonder if my cat thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream?

   Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy?

   I love Ellen. I'm gonna marry her idk how but I'm gonna make it happen.

   ( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .

   If Caitlyn Jenner can win woman of the year I see no reason why Donald Trump's hair can't win the Westminister Kennel Club Dog Show.

   *calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !