Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Picking a president to vote for this term is like picking the STD that I would be the most okay with having.
←Rate | 03-09-2016 11:23 by MJB Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why are all these liberals only going to move to Canada if Trump gets elected? What's wrong with Mexico?
←Rate | 03-09-2016 07:28 by That guy Comments (3)  


   messageicon ....The U.S. Defense Dept. has been making plans in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse ... Since Zombies eat brains ... It was determined that the US Congress would be safe.
←Rate | 03-09-2016 00:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. He's been moved to the Permanently Deleted Items folder.
←Rate | 03-08-2016 20:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Zombies eat brains, I know a lot of people who have nothing to worry about. . .
←Rate | 03-08-2016 19:58 by JAB Comments (2)  


   messageicon Think I will get a night job being a cuddler. After 8 hrs the $ex is free. . .
←Rate | 03-08-2016 18:47 by JAB Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
←Rate | 03-08-2016 12:35 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon This Women's Day, the real woman of substance is Maria Sharapova.
←Rate | 03-08-2016 12:13 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. ---actually he died a few days ago, but they just found him in somebody's spam folder.
←Rate | 03-08-2016 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon (Glass breaks) Her: I think someones breaking in! Me: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Her: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Me: Would you want to be touched with this?
←Rate | 03-06-2016 21:36 by SmokeScreen Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you could be eligible for compensation.... Please call Goldstein and Goldstein to see what your case may be worth.
←Rate | 03-06-2016 21:25 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan
←Rate | 03-06-2016 21:22 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...
←Rate | 03-06-2016 20:13 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I'm spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
←Rate | 03-06-2016 20:00 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
←Rate | 03-06-2016 19:54 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain... Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
←Rate | 03-06-2016 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.
←Rate | 03-06-2016 17:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [At the Border] Officer: “You American?”... Me: “Deep”... *Officer squints*... Me: “Fried”... *squints harder*... Me: “Guns”... "Welcome back, Sir."
←Rate | 03-06-2016 16:22 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."
←Rate | 03-06-2016 16:05 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know the economy is bad when even the wages of sin are frozen.
←Rate | 03-06-2016 14:33 Comments (0)  




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