Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know they didn't ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.

   Well, I've come to the conclusion that nobody can tell me how to get to Sesame St. . .

   Picking a president to vote for this term is like picking the STD that I would be the most okay with having.

   Why are all these liberals only going to move to Canada if Trump gets elected? What's wrong with Mexico?

   ....The U.S. Defense Dept. has been making plans in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse ... Since Zombies eat brains ... It was determined that the US Congress would be safe.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. He's been moved to the Permanently Deleted Items folder.

   If Zombies eat brains, I know a lot of people who have nothing to worry about. . .

   Think I will get a night job being a cuddler. After 8 hrs the $ex is free. . .

   Yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"

   This Women's Day, the real woman of substance is Maria Sharapova.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. ---actually he died a few days ago, but they just found him in somebody's spam folder.

   (Glass breaks) Her: I think someones breaking in! Me: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Her: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Me: Would you want to be touched with this?

   Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you could be eligible for compensation.... Please call Goldstein and Goldstein to see what your case may be worth.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...

   Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I'm spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.

   I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain... Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]

   If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.

   [At the Border] Officer: “You American?”... Me: “Deep”... *Officer squints*... Me: “Fried”... *squints harder*... Me: “Guns”... "Welcome back, Sir."