Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait till St.Patricks Day....!!! The one day a year I can eat lucky charms dowsed in green beer for breakfast and my wife can't say crap.....

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

   Folks, if your feet look like you've been playing soccer with a pineapple, do not wear flip-flops out in public.

   As a parting gift, Trump should give all Americans moving to Canada a bottle of Trump vodka.

   Seems the same people saying Trump is a bad choice, is the same people who said Obama was a good choice.

   Perhaps Donald Trump should educated all the uneducated people he continually thanks by giving them all scholarships to attend Trump University.

   Perhaps it's about time to ask Bernie Sanders what American life was really like back in 1776.

   College goes 0-100 real quick. You'll go from chilling for four weeks to having 3 tests, 5 quizzes, 4 speeches, and 7 papers due in 2 days.

   When you save a beautiful sexy woman from a house fire and she says "Sorry I have a boyfriend."

   Life is like soccer because my Mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I absolutely hate f*cking soccer.

   Older people who have sex on a regular basis may have a better chance at avoiding dementia. But there's no such luck for anyone who happens to walk in on them.

   Kim Kardashian twieeted a nude selfie yesterday. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera.

   Me: Should I buy it? Brain: No!! Wallet: No!! Parents: No!! Cat: Meow NO!! Universe: NO!! Me: Sold.

   Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....

   "The righteous are those who feed the poor, the orphan and the captive for the love of God, saying: 'We feed you for the sake of God Alone; we seek from you neither reward nor thanks.'"

   Only if some people knew how silly, stupid and ridiculous they look while holding a selfie stick...

   There's so many pictures of trump thrusting an index finger at me in my timeline, I'm starting to feel violated and a little horny.

   I may be my own worst enemy but there is a hell of a lot of competition out there vying to unseat me.

   I know they didn't ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.

   Well, I've come to the conclusion that nobody can tell me how to get to Sesame St. . .