Funny Status Messages

   I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

   I got robbed at the gas station this morning. The cops asked me if I knew who did it. I said "Yeah. Pump 6."

   Thank you, St Patrick's Day and Spring Break for proving thats the best way to get through every March is to stay drunk the whole time like the leprechauns.

   And then the imaginary Easter Bunny said "put that obscene picture on Facebook. It's hilarious"... But the Easter Bunny was wrong. So very wrong. According to the HR department.

   Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever. Bartenders, they are called bartenders.

   Raise you hand if you are in bed on your phone.....

   College kids please choose a career in something you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because that dream job isn't hiring....

   The only drunk phone call I wanna make this Tuesday night, is for tacos.

   Relationship Status Update On Tuesday: Slept with laundry last night I was too lazy to fold.

   In Other News: A woman can have 104 guys chasing her and still want the douche that doesn't want her.

   Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....when is it safe to leave the witness protection program??

   Corporate Rulemaking: "From now on, you will work with one hand tied behind your back. Our research shows this will reduce hand injuries by 1/2. Expected production rates will remain the same."

   I am gonna get death threats for this: I really hate peeps, they taste gross.

   Smooth jazz version of "In bloom" playing on KCRW right now. Somewhere Kurt Cobain is killing himself all over again.

   Whenever I see someone walking around with a selfie stick, I always wonder what happened for them to just give up on life like that.

   “How about a rope that's angry all the time” – GOD WHILE CREATING SNAKES

   Two things you'd say to a cat but never to a woman: "Stop licking me." "Get your b utthole away from my face."

   This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

   if you wanna be something today be an encourager, there's likely someone you know that needs one.

   human skull found by Hollywood sign that of a female.... Mouth wide open.