Funny Status Messages
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Hey boys and girls, If Bernie Sanders is a "Conscientious Objector" to all wars ...... How Could He , In a SANE WORLD, Possibly Become the COMMANDER IN CHIEF of the military? 
Am I the only person wondering why Bernie Sanders never joined the military to someday be a colonel?
I drink alcohol because my shrink says I shouldn't keep things bottled up.
According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven
.... Turns out those Hillary and Bernie signs make really great firewood .....
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.
It looks like the joke will be on Hillary if she wins. She'll have to sit at the same desk Monica Lewinsky knelt under.......
I think Donald Trump is Sacha Baron Cohen's best character so far.
No GPS,,, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in Maine,, Have you seen Deliverance?
Pro tip: hold the scissors to the wifi cable to get your family to do what you want
Kidney stones, Hemorrhoids, Syphilis, or President...None I want to feel the Burn
My wife looked at me out in the yard and said "I didn’t know you could Moon Walk." I said "I can’t. I’m trying to get the dog poop off my shoes."
... Turns out Mr. Sanders ISN'T the guy that makes that fried chicken .... So I gues I'm gonna have to vote for that ugly guy that screams and wears those ugly pant suits ....
I am disappointed that my malware program does not block Hillary images.
Men dressed as women to use a womens bathroom is not gay rights.
Sorry you live in a U.S. state that considers gay rights to be more harmful than tobacco.
Interesting Fact: I only order meals in restaurants and fast food places solely based on what'll look best on Instagram since 2012.
Sorry you're an athiest and have no one to thank it's Friday.
I'm glad I don't work for the Catholic church on Take Your Child To Work Day.
Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life. 