Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1349 of 6384
Bought a cruise missile today and now I’m waiting for my neighbor to walk his dog in my yard.
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02-04-2016 13:26
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If I drank decaf coffee I'd be one of those girls that doesn't swallow, too.
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02-04-2016 13:26
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Nothing says ego trip like knowing you're completely unqualified yet still running for president.
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02-04-2016 12:57
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You had me at let's get something to eat..
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02-04-2016 12:38
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"My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed
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02-04-2016 11:40
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i am taking the pit bull and the points in the puppy bowl
I'm watching the OJ series, and I'm beginning to rethink my position......Kato really was a douche.
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02-03-2016 20:04
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Me: *Nibbles first on a breast,,,, Gently kisses a thigh.... KFC Manager: Sir, please stop narrating out loud. Thank you & enjoy your chicken.
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02-03-2016 19:20 by snotty
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*Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!
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02-03-2016 19:16 by snotty
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I got a Valentine Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.
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02-03-2016 19:04
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Did you guys hear about the new restaurant that's opened on the moon? Apparently the food is great but there's no atmosphere......
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02-03-2016 15:37
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Once you go black you never go back. Well once you go white you get your credit score right...!!!
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02-03-2016 14:24
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Boss: Can you pass a urine test?... Me: Sure...distance or accuracy?
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02-02-2016 22:04 by snotty
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I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry
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02-02-2016 22:03 by snotty
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I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.
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02-02-2016 22:01 by snotty
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Word of the Day: Ammosexual - A Liberal who believes in the Second Amendment
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02-02-2016 19:34
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"I'm so sorry"... "No, I'm really sorry"... "No, I'm even sorrier than you" ... "No, I'm the sorriest ever!"... *mutual hug* ......*Canadian rap battle
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02-02-2016 18:03 by snotty
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I walked a mile in my own shoes today..... Wouldn't recommend it..... Cuz I'm WAY out of shape
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02-02-2016 17:59 by snotty
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I'm almost perfect when I heavily edit my selfies.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.