Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it just me or would Bernie Sanders sound a lot smarter if we surgically fused his mouth to a kazoo...???

   Progressives are so used to f---ing everything up they need their own insurance company......

   I just spent hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.

   Dear Yahoo: I've never heard anyone say "I don't know. Let's Yahoo it." Just sayin'. Sincerely yours, Google

   "OK. Anyone who wants in the picture get on this side of the table." -Jesus at the Last Supper

   When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.:)

   But have you tried Googling first before sharing these fake posts?

   I so want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I've decided to keep the dust bunnies as decorations.

   I hate it when I'm in a long line up and suddenly lose my will to live.

   Monica Lewinsky is 42, how fast they grow up. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the White House floor and putting everything in her mouth.

   Marry someone with a great personality. Looks fade away but boredom doesn't.

   Surprise sex is awesome to wake up to. Unless you are in prison....

   Forget about Prince Charming ladies, always go for the wolf. He can see you better, hear you better, and eat you better.

   I am putting a vending machine on my porch this Halloween. Sorry kids, I have bills to pay....

   Sarah Palin as a TV court judge, that'll be a laugh a minute cuz she doesn't have a law degree.

   the "check engine" light came on. I checked & the car definitely has one. It makes loud noises & drips some stuff all over the place so I know it's there

   What do we tell Jesus when he comes back to earth and finds out we call the day of his death Good Friday? He be all like ... WTF?

   Congrats Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine. And also for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.....

   Young Trump supporters are the kids who sell a gram or oregano to you for $25.