Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.

   If Trump becomes President, maybe theres a chance I can use my Trump University degree to finally get a job.

   Well, if you're going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.

   Why do women who complain the most about "catcalling" look like they've never had the experience?

   Wondering if there's any good Easter egg hunts to bring the kids to two days after Easter?

   The FBI was able to unlock the San Bernardino shooter's iPhone, and have discovered his Candy Crush scores.

   Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you'd like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don't mind."

   Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

   I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

   I got robbed at the gas station this morning. The cops asked me if I knew who did it. I said "Yeah. Pump 6."

   Thank you, St Patrick's Day and Spring Break for proving thats the best way to get through every March is to stay drunk the whole time like the leprechauns.

   And then the imaginary Easter Bunny said "put that obscene picture on Facebook. It's hilarious"... But the Easter Bunny was wrong. So very wrong. According to the HR department.

   Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever. Bartenders, they are called bartenders.

   Raise you hand if you are in bed on your phone.....

   College kids please choose a career in something you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because that dream job isn't hiring....

   The only drunk phone call I wanna make this Tuesday night, is for tacos.

   Relationship Status Update On Tuesday: Slept with laundry last night I was too lazy to fold.

   In Other News: A woman can have 104 guys chasing her and still want the douche that doesn't want her.

   Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....when is it safe to leave the witness protection program??

   Corporate Rulemaking: "From now on, you will work with one hand tied behind your back. Our research shows this will reduce hand injuries by 1/2. Expected production rates will remain the same."