Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is nothing like waking up with a pedestrian stuck to your bumper

   I would like to wish all the atheists out there a very happy holiday! Have a fantastic April Fool's Day!

   The Harold and Kumar movies are probably the best Korean/Indian buddy movies ever made.

   Splenda Daddy: A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn't have the funds to pull it off.

   Dear auto correct, I really want to know what a "duck this shut" looks like.

   Thursday: I either drink coffee or I say bad words to strangers. Just a typical Thursday.

   My only hope for April Fool's Day is that Trump announces this has all been a monumental prank.

   I'm starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum might be a commercial.

   Fuel savings tip: Drive downhill as much as possible. If you must drive uphill, take a different route that goes downhill instead.

   an Australian computer network called a LAN down under?

   It's cute how any of you think you're in the tax bracket that will be affected.

   I just want America to be great again like when my dad used to pay my credit card bill.

   Regular People: "Sorry I am late. Traffic was nuts" Moms: "Sorry I'm late. My daughter's sweater was too sweater-y and the baby ate a band aid."

   A recent study shows that most pit bull attacks occur between tying the bandana around its neck and placing the sunglasses on its face.

   I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Just before the election this year, on Halloween, I'm going to dress up as Bernie, take kids' candy away after they've collected it, then redistribute it to kids who stayed home.

   So I'm at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance.

   Good news and bad news. The bad news first: McDonald's is down to their last pound of ground beef. The good news: That's good for another billion burgers.

   My "Stop Being Poor" shirt almost ended up in the Goodwill pile.

   Yesterday I saw a donkey crossing the road... the funny thing, he looked both ways before he crossed. What a smart ass....