Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   F*ck Valentines Day -- Who's ready for Deadpool, Zoolander 2, and The Walking Dead?

   Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   Diarrhea is a trait in my family. It runs in our genes.

   Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.

   Causing a scene runs in my family.

   Siri, how many calories does digging your own grave burn?

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 200 years.

   A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.

   I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.

   My husband told me to pick up some oil, now I know how guys feel in the tampon aisle.

   Moms: I used to be cool and do cool things. Now I just argue with a smaller version of myself about how to use the toilet.

   Ever accidently throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.

   I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.

   Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.

   Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.

   List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....

   I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.

   Remember when you had an appointment and got to leave during the middle of school, it was so triumphant like "Haha bye you f*ckers, I'm going to get my teeth cleaned and then eat McDonalds. Where you at?!?!"...

   I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....