Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coworkers, let me know if you'd like to join me for lunch at my desk eating discounted Easter chocolate.

   I think even the IRS are starting to feel sad about how long I've been single for.

   I can't wait to get my tax return this year so I can afford a much better accountant.

   My plus-one for all weddings is the bartender at your wedding.

   Sorry coworkers, I can never attend Happy Hour with you because I'm too honest when I drink.

   Perfect Pickup Line For April: "I want to do to your body what the IRS does to your income."

   I played an April Fool's joke on my landlord by not paying rent....I am wondering if this eviction notice is the real deal.

   Oh I so enjoy reading on weekend nights on things that I could have been doing.

   If I ever use "there" instead of "their" and "your" instead of "you're" in the same joke here, I've been kidnapped and am signalling for help....

   Some people think they are champagne in a tall glass, when in actual fact they're luke warm piss in a red plastic cup.

   Duct tape can't fix stupid Hillary Clinton supporters, but it can muffle the sound.

   It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.

   The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

   I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans. I asked if any of them had papers and the all ran away.

   If Obama was so great, why do you need Bernie or Hillary to fix things?

   I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police!"

   If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims.

   The flowers are blooming. The grass is green. The popcorn is ready. Baseball is back. Another excuse to drink more beer....

   If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Genocide.