Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you watch Jaws Backwards it's really about a shark that keeps throwing people up until they finally open up a beach!

   Confucius say, "Woman who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."

   Ladies, if you want free birth control, try wearing a Nancy Pelosi mask when having sex.

   The NC laws prevents male pervs from prying on women in the ladies room. Nothing to do with gay rights.

   For those that don't know, I'm getting married on May 7th. Since it's short notice don't worry about bringing wedding gifts, just bring someone for me to marry. Thanks

   How are we to believe science actually knows anything when they can't decide whether eggs are good or bad for you, or if Pluto is a planet or not?

   Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

   If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

   Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else at the Trump rally.

   Don't walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

   A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

   I couldn’t be on “Deadliest Catch,” because I get seasick in my hot tub.

   If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

   Someone should start a summer camp for parents where you go to a lake without your kids and just sleep for a week.

   .... This just in .... Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!

   I'm going to start using the word "organic" in my all post. Sorry.....but inevitably I will have to pass the cost on to you guys.......

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.