Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that down somehow.

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.

   I really wish I hadn't heard that, I would be so much happier not knowing.

   Gonna try grocery shopping drunk. Can't believe I've never thought if this before.

   Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork

   When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.

   Who would win: Twenty years of experience combined with specialized professional training vs. Google?

   I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.

   Any one can stay true to your face, it's the people who stay true behind your back that really count.

   A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."

   People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.

   Sorry to hear about the whole “losing your mind thing.” But I know you pretty well and I don't think you'll miss it.