Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grandma complained that no one ever calls, so I put a “How’s My Driving?” bumper sticker on her car…The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   A big shout out to all those people who wrote the answers in our textbooks, when we were in school.

   I want to start a band called "Day Job" so that when we play and people say "don't quit your day job" I'll be like "thanks we practice a lot".

   Calling someone “stupid” is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it’s just a diagnosis.

   I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie from Victoria Secrets for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I don't get women.

   I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.

   Never purchase the trial size version of Colgate toothpaste and leave it on the bathroom counter next to your CVS Hemorroidal Cooling Gel. You may feel refreshed down below, but your breath smells like sh*t.

   It’s prom time. One year, I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don’t know who was more embarrassed — him or me.

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.

   I tried making some rabbit stew this past weekend, but my wife complained that there was a hare in it.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::

   I'd like a service that a nurse will come to my house at 5am and give me an IV so my hangover is gone by 7am when I have to be to work.

   the S or the C silent in the word scent?

   Hey boys and girls, If Bernie Sanders is a "Conscientious Objector" to all wars ...... How Could He , In a SANE WORLD, Possibly Become the COMMANDER IN CHIEF of the military?

   Am I the only person wondering why Bernie Sanders never joined the military to someday be a colonel?

   I drink alcohol because my shrink says I shouldn't keep things bottled up.

   According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven

   .... Turns out those Hillary and Bernie signs make really great firewood .....

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.