Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1338 of 6384
I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. Like that one time I got married....
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02-12-2016 04:34
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Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.
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02-12-2016 04:33
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1:00 pm and 2017.
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02-12-2016 04:30
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I got so high once that I had to turn down the tv because I couldn't taste my grilled cheese.
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02-12-2016 04:26
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Whenever I go running, I meet exciting new people....like paramedics.
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02-12-2016 02:59
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Drink until the bottle is emptier than you.
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02-12-2016 01:30 by Czovczov
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I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts.
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02-11-2016 23:41
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What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by it's root and still be scared of spiders. --Jerry Seinfeld
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02-11-2016 23:39
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Customer Service: Upgrading your service? I can help you with that right away. Cancelling service? Let me transfer you to the department with a 70 minute wait time.
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02-11-2016 23:37
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Pro Tip: Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
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02-11-2016 23:34
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Valentines Day can only lead to nasty things such as herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.
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02-11-2016 23:33
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I don't always sing along to my favorite songs. But when I do, I sing along to the guitar solo as well.
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02-11-2016 23:31
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Babies: You have hidden your face and then made it appear again....this pleases me.
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02-11-2016 23:28
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My romantic life is like a Ferrari....I don't have a Ferrari.
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02-11-2016 23:25
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Bears: If people can read my thoughts, most people would think I'm the most evil person on this planet.
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02-11-2016 23:18
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The bathroom stall at any university has a bigger sense of brotherhood than any fraternity on campus. Our butt cheeks have touched the same surface, we are brothers. We are one.
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02-11-2016 23:16
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Pen Clicking: When I do it, it's fun....when you do it, it's the most annoying thing on the face of the Earth.
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02-11-2016 23:11
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My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive many times and hoping they are more brave than I am.
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02-11-2016 23:08
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it just me or you don't really realize how drunk you are until you are in a bathroom alone?
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02-11-2016 23:07
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Shoutout to ATM fees for making me buy my own money
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02-11-2016 22:23 by Yaj
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