Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.

   I tried making some rabbit stew this past weekend, but my wife complained that there was a hare in it.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::

   I'd like a service that a nurse will come to my house at 5am and give me an IV so my hangover is gone by 7am when I have to be to work.

   the S or the C silent in the word scent?

   Hey boys and girls, If Bernie Sanders is a "Conscientious Objector" to all wars ...... How Could He , In a SANE WORLD, Possibly Become the COMMANDER IN CHIEF of the military?

   Am I the only person wondering why Bernie Sanders never joined the military to someday be a colonel?

   I drink alcohol because my shrink says I shouldn't keep things bottled up.

   According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven

   .... Turns out those Hillary and Bernie signs make really great firewood .....

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.

   It looks like the joke will be on Hillary if she wins. She'll have to sit at the same desk Monica Lewinsky knelt under.......

   I think Donald Trump is Sacha Baron Cohen's best character so far.

   No GPS,,, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in Maine,, Have you seen Deliverance?

   Pro tip: hold the scissors to the wifi cable to get your family to do what you want

   Kidney stones, Hemorrhoids, Syphilis, or President...None I want to feel the Burn

   My wife looked at me out in the yard and said "I didn’t know you could Moon Walk." I said "I can’t. I’m trying to get the dog poop off my shoes."

   ... Turns out Mr. Sanders ISN'T the guy that makes that fried chicken .... So I gues I'm gonna have to vote for that ugly guy that screams and wears those ugly pant suits ....

   I am disappointed that my malware program does not block Hillary images.

   Men dressed as women to use a womens bathroom is not gay rights.