Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The good news is they're putting a woman on the $20 dollar bill... The bad news is it will be worth only $14.

   The last time I had a decent sleep was for nine months when I was in my mom's womb.

   "I'm sorry" and "My bad" mean the same thing unless you're at a funeral.

   Beginning to think my dog will never accept my leg 'just wants to be friends.'

   Boss just announced he is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   if you're a tailor and your shop's name isn't "Britches get stitches" then what's the point?

   I didn't know Harriet Tubman was a dead president?

   Always love April 21st as it's Random Drug Testing Day at work.

   Great green moon tonight for 420

   I ain't saying she's a gold digger but she has emphysema and is missing four fingers. Maybe she's a coal miner.

   Tubman to be on the $20, there is your reparations, now shut up.

   Nothing better than imagining "Tubman's" raining down on strippers cheeks.

   Man, reality is relentless.

   It's 4/20, remember to leave out milk and cookies for Snoop Dogg!

   My neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats all good and well but I still have a bigger deck...

   Some @$$ hole licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? asking for a friend

   If Hillary wins the POTUS, we'll all know what it's like to have a yeast infection because we will be dealing with an irritating c@%t every day.

   It's 420 eve, remember to leave out milk and cookies for snoop dogg.

   WOW,,,, my nana REALLY can't take a punch anymore