Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic.

   My biggest spiritual accomplishment is that I'm voting for Bernie but am still capable of talking to a Hillary supporter like a human being.

   I just assume a woman originally created fire because she was trying to scare away some prehistoric fuckboy who couldn't take a hint.

   You should never hide anything from your parents. "Getting caught" doesn't apply to me, when I was younger I walked it into the living room and said "I need bigger condoms", and walked away....

   I don't remember myself, but my parents love to tell others about the time they found me dancing naked on the kitchen table to the final Jeopardy music at age 2 or 3.

   Folgers got it all wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed naked after you pee.

   Everytime gay rights is brought up in North Carolina and Mississippi, every Christian that smokes, drinks, curses, and/or has premarital sex is suddenly concerned with what the Bible allows.

   A Perfect Question To Ask At Any Job Interview: Do you monitor email and internet usage as I love to look at hardcore porn sites during office hours?

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Does every day have to be a National this or that day? Every little thing doesn't need its own damn day.

   Don't say retarded, it offends retarded people and people that look for reasons to be offended.

   I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

   I wonder what people who type “u” instead of “you” do with all their free time.

   Being a baby would be fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours..THAT seems like fun.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, interrupt MY day and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 90 years old yesterday. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

   I downloaded the TED CRUZ 2016 APP, but all I got was reruns of the MUNSTERS

   How is it there is a D in fridge but not in refrigerator

   Bring back stoner dude

   In honor of National Siblings Day, go kick your siblings in the genitals. You too can be the $10,000 winner on America's Funniest Home Videos.