Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife doesn't like the way I eat, drink, sniff, dress, breath, laugh or cook, but according to this Valentines card she gave me I am perfect in every way.

   I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to h3ll.

   The love between a man and a woman acts like a mousetrap to lure a man towards a woman enticing him like a pure cheese, but is secretly tied with a trap.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like high-fiving yourself in public.

   Quick, someone take one for the team and fall in love with me. Happy Valentine's Day.

   The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall, "You peaked in high school."

   Valentines Day: Condoms are also awesome picnic supplies.

   A sign outside a Frat house: You honk we drink!!!

   Loves the Alerts app on my phone, it says: "OVER BUDGET....This month you spent $1,049.00 on Alcohol & Bars. This exceeds your budget of $20.00 by $1,029.00".

   Valentines Day: Remember, there is no problem a few dollars & the strip club can't solve.

   Subway: Satisfy your Valentine with a footlong.

   I hate when people say "I'm 24 and still eat mac n cheese"....Homie, there is no age limit to enjoy some quality elbow macaroni and fake powder cheese.

   Bernie Sanders found my Mom's iPhone and keeps Facetiming me saying he's going to pay for my college.

   Do you ever just look at your dog & get jealous because all they do is sleep, play, and eat....their biggest worry is when they are eating next.

   Attacking the rich is not envy, it is self defence. The hoarding of wealth is the cause of poverty. The rich aren't just indifferent to poverty: they create it and maintain it. This is America in 2016.

   Roses are red. I picked you a daisy. Will you still love me when you realize I'm crazy?

   I got drunk last night and decided to do my own taxes. I'm getting back 4 million dollars this year!!!

   Guys: I'm not a tomboy, but I'm not a girly girl either. Like I want to get my nails done but also I wanna get muddy and set stuff on fire. Wanna date me?