Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Someone should start a summer camp for parents where you go to a lake without your kids and just sleep for a week.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 18:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon .... This just in .... Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!
←Rate | 04-12-2016 17:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going to start using the word "organic" in my all post. Sorry.....but inevitably I will have to pass the cost on to you guys.......
←Rate | 04-12-2016 15:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 14:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."
←Rate | 04-12-2016 14:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 13:06 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
←Rate | 04-12-2016 13:04 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 13:00 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I can hear you chew I have fantasized about your death.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 12:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 11:48 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish anger burned more calories.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 11:47 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 11:16 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 10:45 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Congrats to Martin Shkreli on a SOLID start to his 2028 GOP Presidential Nomination run!!!
←Rate | 04-12-2016 04:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My five year plan is that hopefully I'll be dead within the next five years...
←Rate | 04-12-2016 04:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nice to see all the guys who've dumped me 2-3 weeks into us dating be able to make such a strong commitment to Bernie Sanders.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 04:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon American Idol is now officially done. The men's leather cuff bracelet industry will collapse.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 04:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To clear the air: I didn't get kicked out of the pet shop for telling a bird to "suck my genitals." I was trying to teach the parrot to say it.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 04:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you work really hard and never give up, some perverted unrecognizable version of your dreams will come true.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 04:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so afraid one of these laws will eventually be passed in a state that a gay person would actually want to set foot in.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 04:23 Comments (0)  




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