Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else at the Trump rally.

   Don't walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

   A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

   I couldn’t be on “Deadliest Catch,” because I get seasick in my hot tub.

   If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

   Someone should start a summer camp for parents where you go to a lake without your kids and just sleep for a week.

   .... This just in .... Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!

   I'm going to start using the word "organic" in my all post. Sorry.....but inevitably I will have to pass the cost on to you guys.......

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.

   I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

   If I can hear you chew I have fantasized about your death.

   Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.

   I wish anger burned more calories.

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

   You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.

   Congrats to Martin Shkreli on a SOLID start to his 2028 GOP Presidential Nomination run!!!