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Someone should start a summer camp for parents where you go to a lake without your kids and just sleep for a week.
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04-12-2016 18:19
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.... This just in .... Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!
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04-12-2016 17:39
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I'm going to start using the word "organic" in my all post. Sorry.....but inevitably I will have to pass the cost on to you guys.......
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04-12-2016 15:04
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Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
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04-12-2016 14:51
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Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."
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04-12-2016 14:20
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.
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04-12-2016 13:06 by
SEAN
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I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
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04-12-2016 13:04 by
SEAN
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just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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04-12-2016 13:00 by
SEAN
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If I can hear you chew I have fantasized about your death.
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04-12-2016 12:51
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Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
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04-12-2016 11:48 by
SEAN
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I wish anger burned more calories.
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04-12-2016 11:47 by
SEAN
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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04-12-2016 11:16 by
SEAN
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You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.
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04-12-2016 10:45 by
SEAN
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Congrats to Martin Shkreli on a SOLID start to his 2028 GOP Presidential Nomination run!!!
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04-12-2016 04:40
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My five year plan is that hopefully I'll be dead within the next five years...
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04-12-2016 04:35
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Nice to see all the guys who've dumped me 2-3 weeks into us dating be able to make such a strong commitment to Bernie Sanders.
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04-12-2016 04:33
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American Idol is now officially done. The men's leather cuff bracelet industry will collapse.
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04-12-2016 04:32
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To clear the air: I didn't get kicked out of the pet shop for telling a bird to "suck my genitals." I was trying to teach the parrot to say it.
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04-12-2016 04:30
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If you work really hard and never give up, some perverted unrecognizable version of your dreams will come true.
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04-12-2016 04:25
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I'm so afraid one of these laws will eventually be passed in a state that a gay person would actually want to set foot in.
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04-12-2016 04:23
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