Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A major shout out to hotel maids and maintenance people on February 15th.

   Lunch 11:35 This bible verse always keeps me going....

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you a penguin. Have you ever seen a sad person who owns a penguin?

   Sesame Street: Say, Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert.

   Kanye asking Mark Zuckerberg for $1billion on Twitter is like walking into an Apple store and asking to speak to Bill Gates.

   If Mom's Made Candy Hearts Messages: "Shut the door", "Let me finish my coffee", "It's wherever you left it", "I said...get your shoes on", "You're not hungry you're bored", "I saw that".

   Did you know chicken pot pie is my favorite 3 things?

   PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome.

   Scorpio, Libra, Pisces, Cancer, Virgo, Leo: Selfless lovers. There's nothing they wouldn't do for the people they love. Including hiding a dead body....

   Being a grown-up is stupid....let's build a tree house and throw water balloons at people.

   Spent $300 at a steak house last night... today, my poop does not look any better.

   Not to brag, but I pull the correct ceiling fan chain about 2% of the time.

   Kanye West is 53 million in debt...I heard Taylor Swift has started a go fu%# yourself account...

   Some people are so full of $h!t they should have flush handles instead of ears.

   The one thing about this group of presidential candidates that we can all agree on is that none of them are fuckable.

   People need to stop demanding respect and start earning respect.

   I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...

   Dear 11 year olds on Facebook, it's complicated? Really? What did he do, steal your animal crackers?

   Saw a Chinese kid and a black kid wave to each other today. It gave me hope... for another Rush Hour movie.

   Dear Genitals, thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best. Sincerely, a man.