Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1329 of 6446

I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early
←Rate |
04-18-2016 20:34 by Snotty
Comments (0)

[dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face*,,,,,,,,, And when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
←Rate |
04-18-2016 20:31 by Snotty
Comments (0)

Based on the white smoke pouring out from under the hood of my car, it elected itself as the new pope.
←Rate |
04-18-2016 17:06
Comments (0)

Forgive me if I unfollow you...God only gave me so many brain cells, and I'm not about to lose them over these retarded posts you put on Facebook everyday.
←Rate |
04-18-2016 13:02 by SJW
Comments (0)

The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
←Rate |
04-18-2016 07:46
Comments (0)

If the Pope can take in a couple of lesbos, I should be allowed to too.
←Rate |
04-18-2016 01:11
Comments (0)

If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.
←Rate |
04-17-2016 21:15
Comments (5)

Fast food workers that want a tip confuse me, if you want a tip, be a server, not a flipper.
←Rate |
04-17-2016 20:20
Comments (0)

[on a date] Me: I own an airplane , racecar, and a yacht... Her: Wow... Me: But not all at the same time,, I haven't got that many Legos
←Rate |
04-17-2016 17:46 by snotty
Comments (1)

"Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. " And you're a human being not a lobster?!
←Rate |
04-16-2016 18:21
Comments (0)

"Did you see that Bruce-" It's Caitlyn now. "*sigh* -that Caitlyn Springsteen is playing at the arena?"
←Rate |
04-16-2016 14:52
Comments (0)

Yea i've climbed mountains before [checking my reflection in a butter knife] mountains of babes
←Rate |
04-16-2016 14:40
Comments (0)

Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
←Rate |
04-16-2016 08:19 by Snotty
Comments (0)

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
←Rate |
04-16-2016 04:39
Comments (0)

TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
←Rate |
04-16-2016 04:37
Comments (0)

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
←Rate |
04-16-2016 04:35
Comments (0)

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
←Rate |
04-16-2016 04:33
Comments (0)

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
←Rate |
04-16-2016 04:31
Comments (0)

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
←Rate |
04-16-2016 04:30
Comments (0)

Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
←Rate |
04-16-2016 04:28
Comments (0)