Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face*,,,,,,,,, And when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   Based on the white smoke pouring out from under the hood of my car, it elected itself as the new pope.

   Forgive me if I unfollow you...God only gave me so many brain cells, and I'm not about to lose them over these retarded posts you put on Facebook everyday.

   The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.

   If the Pope can take in a couple of lesbos, I should be allowed to too.

   If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

   Fast food workers that want a tip confuse me, if you want a tip, be a server, not a flipper.

   [on a date] Me: I own an airplane , racecar, and a yacht... Her: Wow... Me: But not all at the same time,, I haven't got that many Legos

   "Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. " And you're a human being not a lobster?!

   "Did you see that Bruce-" It's Caitlyn now. "*sigh* -that Caitlyn Springsteen is playing at the arena?"

   Yea i've climbed mountains before [checking my reflection in a butter knife] mountains of babes

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.

   TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

   Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

   How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

   Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".