Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

   Animal Kingdom Fact: Cheetos are fastest land munchie

   This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.

   IF YOU'VE HAD CATS,,,,,,, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.

   Well, I learned this week that ya don't buy your Parmesan at the Dollar Tree.

   The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works 24 hours a day and 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.

   Some humans believe that escalators have special powers that suck all moving abilities from their legs as soon as their feet touch one.

   If we had to pay for internet ink. Facebook wouldn't exist.

   Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.

   I'm like Hugh Hefner....minus the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. So basically, I have a robe.

   If your boyfriend said he couldn't spend time with you on Valentines Day, but took you on a date the day after....it means that you are the side chick.

   If I have 10 pieces of bacon and you take 5, what do you have? That's right! A black eye and a broken hand...

   My Guardian Angel be like "I'm gonna lose my job and end up in hell with this mother f*cker..."

   Look on the bright side insomniacs, at least your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   Fall in love with someone who makes you laugh or you're be really bored when you're 80 years old, with a broken hip, and sex is impossible.

   I am sorry that I have not matured past the point of making everything into sexual innuendo. ...It's just really hard.

   That weird moment when you're at a friend's house and they're getting yelled at, so you just stand there and pet the dog....

   If you think there's nothing better than sex, you've never had a cop turn on their lights behind you then pull over someone else.