Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   "How about we take this to my bedroom"....I whispered to my snacks.

   I think my girlfriend might have a problem, I asked her to toast some bread for me. She said, "Here's to bread, may it always be in our stomachs" as she swigged another mouthful of wine.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I'm at the liquor store.

   If I owned a taser, I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself. That's why I don't have a taser.

   Now that Valentines Day is now over, time to refocus on what's really important. Prepping your liver for St. Patrick's Day.

   People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut up. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   I gave up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as "Free Food".

   Sometimes people want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   Kinda want to text you, kinda what to block your number.

   Sometimes poeple want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   Fathers: If you daughter asks you to carry her pink backpack and purse, you carry it....

   Mornings were made for sleeping, wild sex, and bacon.

   Five Things I Like Almost As Much As Driving My Boat: 1. Looking at my boat. 2. Talking about my boat. 3. Movies and TV shows with boats. 4. Websites with boats. 5. Bacon.

   .... You are entitled to NOTHING .... If you want something ..... Go out and EARN IT!!!!

   My performance with my wife last night was amazing. I lasted like 45 minutes!... Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

   "Superdelagates" might as well be available on Stubhub.

   By the time this is over Sanders won't know wheather to wind his watch or get a job.

   Bernie wii now feel the burn.

   Everytime this post is liked, Kanye West gets kicked in the genitals.