Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes, Fuckery Dept.? I'd like to file a claim.

   So let me get this straight...The new twenty dollar bill is going to feature Harriet Tubman using the men's room at a target?

   My kids were playing hide and seek and they took out their phones and took pictures and then tag them on facebook. Times sure has changed since I was a kid.

   There are people who actually send you Candy Crush invites on Sunday? Really? On the Lord's special day? The evil is strong in you.

   The American dream I’m chasing is where the entire pizza is just a spiral of stuffed crust...

   I was wondering where I can contract this influenza virus so I can get away with stupid sheit.

   The new twenty dollar bill will feature a clever line drawing of Harriet Tubman using the men's room.

   Sea gulls are like the Kardashian sisters; if they weren't so frickin' annoying they would actually seem quite beautiful.

   Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric

   Im going to write bad checks at Target because I identify myself as a billionaire....Shame on my bank for restraining me from what I'm destined to be!

   There's never a bad time forcertain people to become 'missing persons. 'Today is no exception.

   Sarcasm: noun/ The brain's natural defense against Dumb.

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"

   But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

   How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

   Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.

   What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

   "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing....except when you're at a funeral.