Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone says "bathroom policy" one more time, I'm going to have to kick a chick in the nuts.

   Dear theist, Atheists don't care who you pray to. Just keep it to yourselves and out of schools and government. =)

   Dear Atheist,if God isn't real why does it bother you so much if I pray to him and always will.

   That 5 second rule regarding dropped food doesn't mean much when you have a 2 second dog.

   As your next President, I promise to remove all things Kardashian....

   Looks like Andrew Jackson's been tossed to the back of the bus.

   Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric , but I am white....

   They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It's "The bill formerly known as a twenty."

   Shouldn't they just put Harriet Tubman's face on EBT cards???

   Yes, Fuckery Dept.? I'd like to file a claim.

   So let me get this straight...The new twenty dollar bill is going to feature Harriet Tubman using the men's room at a target?

   My kids were playing hide and seek and they took out their phones and took pictures and then tag them on facebook. Times sure has changed since I was a kid.

   There are people who actually send you Candy Crush invites on Sunday? Really? On the Lord's special day? The evil is strong in you.

   The American dream I’m chasing is where the entire pizza is just a spiral of stuffed crust...

   I was wondering where I can contract this influenza virus so I can get away with stupid sheit.

   The new twenty dollar bill will feature a clever line drawing of Harriet Tubman using the men's room.

   Sea gulls are like the Kardashian sisters; if they weren't so frickin' annoying they would actually seem quite beautiful.

   Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric

   Im going to write bad checks at Target because I identify myself as a billionaire....Shame on my bank for restraining me from what I'm destined to be!

   There's never a bad time forcertain people to become 'missing persons. 'Today is no exception.