Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how good looking she is, somewhere a man is tired of her crap... Jayz

   Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.

   Indians seem to always have a Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, " Its 3 O'clock my friend but for you I will make it 2.30".

   The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...

   Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else!

   I never date left handed women. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

   I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.

   Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.

   Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

   I'm getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and "You're doing your job", do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".

   I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Detroit". So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that reads "I hope that helps".

   Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures.

   My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.

   My dancing has been described as "Oh Dear God, Can somebody get this man an EpiPen?”

   "That'll do pig.. That'll do",,, is apparently not the reply to give when the wife asks how an outfit looks on her

   If Mark Hamill doesn't enter the room and shout "It's Hamill Time!",, In this next movie,, I'm gonna be dissapionted

   And yes,,, My marriage is mainly apologizing for saying something hilarious

   I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

   Reasons Why Guys Stop Texting Girls: 1) He's Busy. 2) You didn't send nudes. 3) He has beer and football. 4) It's only been a day, calm down psycho.

   Can we just move on from Netflix and chill? What happened to picking up girls on their front porch with flowers for an actual date?!?!