Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1318 of 6446

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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05-01-2016 20:43 by snotty
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.... I'm always amazed at how drinking 2 beers translates into 5 gallons of piss ....
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05-01-2016 16:49
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Obama's mic drop at the Correspondents' Dinner last night was awesome, but I was disappointed to hear he was at work this morning. Someone should tell him he's doing it wrong.
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05-01-2016 15:58
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From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
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05-01-2016 15:37
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Was Berry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gay? Sure makes Stevie Wonder!!!
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05-01-2016 15:32
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If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."
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05-01-2016 15:30
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I've decided I'll never get down to my original weight and I'm ok with that. After all, 7 lbs 4 oz is just not realistic.
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05-01-2016 15:28
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What comes after the man bun hairstyle? The he-hive!
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05-01-2016 15:25
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My friend David had his ID stolen the other day, now we just call him Dav.
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05-01-2016 15:20
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"Taco Bell isn't even real Mexican food." Hey!!! I'm not going for an authentic Mexican cuisine. I'm going because I'm broke and like tacos.
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05-01-2016 15:16
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Dear bill collectors, I know I still owe you....but I have some GOOD NEWS!!! I typed "Amen" on a Facebook post, and in 48 hours, I will get a TON of money. So, when I get it, I will pay you.
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05-01-2016 15:12
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I'm a huge fan of screaming "You're welcome" really loud when people don't say thank you...
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05-01-2016 15:09
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Laying in bed in the middle of the night trying to decide if it's worth it to get up and pee or if you can hold it in until the morning....
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05-01-2016 15:06
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If you take Trump seriously, I assumed you weren't hugged enough as a child. Probably not getting enough sex as an adult either.
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05-01-2016 15:02
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If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.
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05-01-2016 15:00
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Interesting Fact: People who say "Suck my genitals".....95% women and 5% men.
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05-01-2016 14:56
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Being gay is ok. Being bisexual is ok. Being transgender is ok. Being straight is ok. Wearing crocs....no f*cking ok.
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05-01-2016 14:54
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It's English, not 'American English'. There is no such thing as 'American English', there is English and there are people who don't know how to speak or write English.
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05-01-2016 14:42
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I'll see your happy endings and raise you a lifetime filled with fabulous moments. Your call!
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05-01-2016 10:10
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They're called 'selfies' because the only one who's interested in them is yourself.
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05-01-2016 10:06
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