Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear liver, the weekend is almost over, hang in there little one. Love you.

   What's my type? Someone who's supportive. Someone who comforts me when I need them. Someone I can curl up and relax with. Oh great, I'm describing my bed again.

   The amount of memes that relate to my life is becoming increasingly embarrassing.

   I've spent 83.2% of my adult life resetting my password.

   Me laughing: I don't drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.

   My signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

   Loneliness is very dangerous. It's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people while working at any gas station.

   Sorry kids, you're definitely not getting any inheritance. All that money went towards the booze I needed to put up with you.

   I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."

   Jack Daniels gives you the courage to talk to attractive women, disables your genitals.

   There no room for BS in my life unless it's Burritos and Salsa.

   Never trust people who talk to their pets in normal voices.

   ....Smiling at someone that hates you because you're an a$$hole like that.

   Most college girls join a sorority....few earn the title of a US Marine.

   I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven't pooped it out yet. Really scared now!

   [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   I don't like who I am at buffets.

   I typed hahahahahaha,,, and it got autocorrected to hahaha and I was like,, "yeah, you're probably right"