Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1314 of 6446

Irony: Being able to sleep in during vacation yet waking up spontaneously at 6 am and not being able to get back to sleep.
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05-04-2016 19:28
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Ted Cruz kept saying God wanted him to be President, and this is what happened. So either there is no God, or he reeeally doesn't like Ted.
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05-04-2016 18:56
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Be careful of those 'dream girls' guys. They'll often end as nightmares.
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05-04-2016 09:25
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Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip
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05-04-2016 09:12 by Fazzella
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People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.
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05-04-2016 06:12 by Mike M
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Rest areas restroom are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
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05-04-2016 05:47
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have you ever sat thru an entire light at a intersection cause you were too busy looking at your phone?....me neither
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05-03-2016 21:32
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If you're voting for Hilary Raise your hand.....now take that hand and slap your dumbass in the face with it!
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05-03-2016 18:09 by El Guapo
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What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive squirrel?
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05-03-2016 16:35
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"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
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05-03-2016 15:54
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Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM?!?! Luckily, I was up playing my drums.
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05-03-2016 15:48
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If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.
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05-03-2016 15:45
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Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow....
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05-03-2016 15:44
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I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
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05-03-2016 15:39
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5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
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05-03-2016 15:35
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My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."
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05-03-2016 15:33
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Tell a woman she's beautiful, she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat and she'll remember it forever because elephants never forget.
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05-03-2016 15:30
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So my drug dealer got me these new shoes. And I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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05-03-2016 15:25
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What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
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05-03-2016 15:24
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Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night. My next poop could spell trouble.
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05-03-2016 15:21
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