Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....

   So far in this election cycle,,, If Aliens ARE watching us,, it's safe to say they think we are retarded.

   We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?

   I'm tired of forced interactions and unnecessary communications, just saying!

   Once upon a time there were three little pigs at a pig roast, end of story. . .

   “Little Marco…” “Trump has an orange spray tan…” Maybe it’s just me, but I personally wish that they would settle things the exact same way that Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton did in 1804.

   I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is he says I'm healthy as a horse. The bad news is that he keeps using large farm animals to describe me.

   Lesser men would have given up after twenty years of outrageous fame and fortune, but Leo persevered, and now he has a small trophy.

   It's time to do what I do best... *cracks a beer*

   I have a great idea for improving Coldplay concerts. Stop the show halfway through and feature a 15 minute football game.

   *Leonardo Dicapreo goes up to accept oscar* *pulls out speech* *blows dust off of it* Yes I'd like to thank the directors of titanic for th-

   I'd like to give a shout out to those people born in 1932 who are celebrating their 21st birthday today!

   I have to recharge my phone so often that I basically have a landline again.

   I'm so happy Leonardo finally got an award, he was such a brilliant inventor and painter.

   the good news is the doctor says I'm healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me....

   Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money

   Leonardo.....Fk yaaaa....atlast.......congratzz

   Make America Great Again! Deport Trump...

   Survival Tip: if your wife cooks up "a mess of bacon" and puts it in the fridge, she has a plan. Do not make yourself an epic sandwich.

   Boobs don't define a woman, but they start the bidding.