Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.

   Do not drink and drive...because there are people out there who text and drive and they will hit you and it will be your fault!!!

   I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World holding a fishing rod.

   Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.

   Ladies, if you want a guy to look at your face instead of your chest, eat a banana.

   Don't tell my pillow I said this, but, I don't think he'll ever fulfill his dreams of becoming a hairstylist.

   Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.

   When playing dodgeball, remember the golden rule: Hide behind the fat kid...

   Fun Prank Idea: Put Kool-Aid in your friend's shower head. Then, when he or she gets in the shower, set their house on fire.

   1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.

   Nature in the country: watching a deer drink from a stream. Nature in the city: watching a rat and a pigeon fight over a condom.

   If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.

   I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.

   Bernie vs Trump way better than Hillary vs Trump. Help people see that without insulting them tho lol

   Remember folks...the left wing and the right wing are all part of the same bird!

   Giant douche or turd sandwich? ....the choice is yours.

   I typed my symptoms into Web MD this afternoon, Turns out I'm Gary Busey .