Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1310 of 6446

Good thing my mom's not on Facebook otherwise you would have to read some sappy Happy Mother's Day post from me.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 09:05
Comments (0)

Who are these strange creatures and why are they calling me 'Mom?'
←Rate |
05-08-2016 08:15
Comments (0)

I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 07:16
Comments (0)

There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:57
Comments (0)

Few indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the escalator you have been riding for 5 minutes is actually a stairway.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:54
Comments (0)

Sometimes I put a “for sale” sign in my neighbor’s yard and pray the power of suggestion works.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:48
Comments (0)

TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:45
Comments (0)

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support. Happy Mother's Day!!!
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:42
Comments (0)

My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:35
Comments (0)

Health insurance is rare in the exotic dancing industry. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:34
Comments (0)

Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:30
Comments (0)

When my college daughter sees me again after two months, I worry that her pent-up eyeroll will knock a hole in the space/time continuum.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:28
Comments (0)

I worry about ridiculous things. You know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:25
Comments (0)

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling - I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:22
Comments (0)

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:20
Comments (0)

When I'm lying on my deathbed, my one big regret will be that I'm lying on my deathbed.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:18
Comments (0)

Joined a gym halfway between work and home, just so I'd have a locker to store snacks in.
←Rate |
05-08-2016 06:17
Comments (0)

I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of 'OK.'
←Rate |
05-07-2016 19:44
Comments (0)

I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.
←Rate |
05-07-2016 15:47 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

I look both ways before crossing a one way street now, that's how little faith I have left in humanity during this presidential election year.
←Rate |
05-07-2016 15:24
Comments (0)