Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good thing my mom's not on Facebook otherwise you would have to read some sappy Happy Mother's Day post from me.

   Who are these strange creatures and why are they calling me 'Mom?'

   I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.

   There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.

   Few indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the escalator you have been riding for 5 minutes is actually a stairway.

   Sometimes I put a “for sale” sign in my neighbor’s yard and pray the power of suggestion works.

   TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.

   My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support. Happy Mother's Day!!!

   My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.

   Health insurance is rare in the exotic dancing industry. Most strippers have little or no coverage.

   Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.

   When my college daughter sees me again after two months, I worry that her pent-up eyeroll will knock a hole in the space/time continuum.

   I worry about ridiculous things. You know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.

   I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling - I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

   At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.

   When I'm lying on my deathbed, my one big regret will be that I'm lying on my deathbed.

   Joined a gym halfway between work and home, just so I'd have a locker to store snacks in.

   I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of 'OK.'

   I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.

   I look both ways before crossing a one way street now, that's how little faith I have left in humanity during this presidential election year.