Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.

   For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.

   I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

   The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

   People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.

   I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

   I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   I was born to be cool but global warming is slowly changing that.

   GARDENING. Cheaper than therapy and ya get tomatos!

   * Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

   Let me see if I have this right, they defended the White House from a home invasion with guns?

   .... In a world where people don't understand the consequences of their actions ..... People shall be hurt .... and People shall perish .....

   No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

   I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.

   How many more of these body wraps do I have to eat before I start losing inches?

   FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009

   Morley Safer contributes exponentially more to societal advancement, and gets only a few mentions in the press. Prince, who basically was a fruitcake who could play a guitar solo, is still getting press.

   If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.

   Call me a skeptic but I doubt people LOL as much as they claim.