Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter but I'm not that good at emojis.

   Just added 'Wandering Around the Parking Lot Looking for My Car' as another Track Exercise on my Fitbit.

   I hear they're coming out with a new "Blame me, I voted Trump or Clinton" sticker.

   No matter how much you hate or how much of an ass you are, Jesus still loves you atheists

   i find it odd that there's never a yelp review for the yelp website

   Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.

   My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?

   Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?

   Why do all the pictures of Noah's ark show the front having the wave breaker design? All it had to do is float for a year.

   Never have Thai food 2x in a row. Its like someone maced your butthole.

   I should be thwarting evil or something. I never get to thwart anything. I believe I could thwart.

   I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah.

   I bought new c#m catchers, I mean socks. . .

   In only 8 years, we went from HOPES to DOPES!

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.

   I just swiped left on someone based solely on the fact her name was Susan.

   I think people can be politically correct all they want. As long as they shut the f#ck up about it. . .

   Not here for hook ups = Hooks up anyways, I'm to busy to date = Drops everything for a stranger, I need to be by myself for awhile = Gets back with their Ex, I don't have unprotected sex = Licks all crevasses anyways.

   If I ever own a parrot I'm going to teach him to say, "Will someone please find the witch who cast this spell on me?"

   My neighbor, Jen, gave me a vitamin. Turns out it was a vitamin for women. I've been getting dressed for the past 2 hours and still can't find the right pair of shoes to match my pants.