Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun! Got there late so missed the rules being read out but I'm sure it was nothing important.

   'You're still a rockstar' I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.

   Feels like Ryan Gosling & I have a lot in common: We're both men, we both have kids. He owns a restaurant in Beverly Hills, I go to Arby's.

   I assume when a restaurant says it's "homestyle," I'll be eating my meal over a sink.

   The Cheers theme plays as I walk into McDonald's and have a mild heart attack against a trash can.

   I casually pull out my solid gold asthma inhaler with the word 'PIMP' engraved on it. I suck at it hard yet it is you who feel breathless.

   Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from mom scares me.

   We like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce."

   " It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout. " From a cashier prone to joblessness and hopelessness.

   I hate when I'm on a date and she's driving and I tell her I have to use the men's room and could she stop at a gas station she says, "You should've gone at home. Too bad. Hold it in."

   It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout.

   May every one of your life's ups and downs...occur in bed.

   I prefer my water to be frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka and tonic...

   Hello. You have reached the incontinence hotline. Please, hold...

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.

   I watched a documentary last night where this team of scientists studied the inside of a man bun. Turns out they are formed from craft beer and Maroon 5 CDs.

   If you name your child Penny, you can't really have very high expectations...

   Anybody know where I can purchase a George Zimmerman hoodie?

   I wonder if Uranus is getting tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes?

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.