Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't wait for Game of Thrones. During this election it'll be refreshing to watch people competing for a crown in a more civilized way.

   Has Fox News blamed Obama for Nancy Reagan's death yet?

   Sorry I fed your baby trash, I thought it was a raccoon

   My coworker likes Trump because "he always speaks his mind." Wonder how much my coworker would like me if I always spoke my mind.

   Ben Carson endorsing Donald Trump is like Ambien endorsing Cyanide.

   Chicago built a wall to keep Donald Trump out. lol

   Mariah Sharapova living proof that Russians love to cheat.

   Ben Carson endorses Donald Trump after receiving a sign from God. This election year is a gift horse that keeps on giving.

   I wonder if my cat thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream?

   Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy?

   I love Ellen. I'm gonna marry her idk how but I'm gonna make it happen.

   ( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .

   If Caitlyn Jenner can win woman of the year I see no reason why Donald Trump's hair can't win the Westminister Kennel Club Dog Show.

   *calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !

   This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.

   The Dog Whisperer has been whispering death threats into my dog's ear

   Hmmm, I really would like to see some of you get punched in the nose at a Trump ralley

   Can we vote Justin Trudeau as President of the United States?? He's more of a celebrity than Trump is.

   Robert Kardashian was OJ Simpson's lawyer....thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.