santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   A new study found that 1 percent of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. Nothing shows Christmas warmth like a nice bottle of top-shelf anti-freeze.

   Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album

   I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

   If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?

   COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

   The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.