SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I invented a new sexual position called "The Republican" where I screw poor people.

   If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, sh!t probably stops being funny real quick.

   That new survey says that 33 is the happiest age but somehow I think Jesus and John Belushi might disagree.

   Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.

   A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.

   I can't trust anyone who wears a trench coat ever since McGruff the Crime Dog flashed me outside of a Miller's Outpost when I was nine :(

   If I ever meet David Blaine, I will just kick him in the nuts and then scream "Ta-daaah!"

   I fear your addiction to attention and instant gratification is distracting you from the praise-worthy stuff I'm doing.

   I love Scrooge McDuck for his personality, not his wealth.

   Just once I'd like to be able to say that my sound is laid down by the Underground and really mean it. Do you ever get that way?

   Sometimes when I'm sad I cry into my Brita filter. Turning each teardrop into an uplifting refreshing beverage.

   I just had a nowhere near death experience. It was completely life continuing.

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in front of the TV.

   "You must be out yo damn mind" = your behavior is very unorthodox and very contradictory towards my wishes

   "A car with a spoiler is approaching." - Spoiler Alert

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed.

   Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.

   In my hay day all I did was sneeze.

   What's up with helmet babies? Let your kid have a funny shaped head. God loves all His children, even the pear-headed ones.

   It's very hard to read someone's body language when they are running away from you.