LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever and you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of medical professionals everywhere.

   This status was sent from inside the Channel Tunnel. Try that on your precious iPhones.

   I went to have Botox, the surgeon said to me "That's $8000 dollars please" I couldn't even looked shocked.

   You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.

   Can Atheists get insurance for Acts of God?

   Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.

   ..i blame my typos on my years as a postwoman. Even today I cant help but miss a letter ot two..

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

   Duran Duran have reworked one of their classic singles for the World Cup. It goes, 'His name is Rio and he watches from the stands...'

   ""Daddy, whats a transvestite?” “Go ask your mother…he'll tell you.”

   If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.

   Studies show that four out of five poker players take drugs to keep awake and sharp at the table. The one that doesn't stay sharp is the one who shouts out "Go Fish!"

   An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.

   Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.

   Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.

   You're never more indignant in life than when you're shopping in a store that you feel is beneath you and one of the other customers mistakes you for an employee of that store.

   A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

   ..this warm weather brings out the worst in people. Like B.O.,unkept feet and whale thongs . Shudder.

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.