Baddie Funny Status Messages

   People who get drunk after one beer: what's it like, being criminally insane?

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.

   I never smile in public. Smiles invite people to talk.

   Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.

   You had me at "Do Not Resuscitate"

   I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same

   If there's no chance it can give me a heart attack then I'm not interested in eating it.

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   I like my organic farm-raised eggs like I like my action movies: Cage free.

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   Not to brag, but I can cure a woman of having feelings for me in five minutes flat.

   I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.

   Marriage licenses must be reviewed and renewed yearly.

   I can't wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.

   There is just so much for me not to care about.

   I just wanna be the reason your therapist can afford to buy a Mercedes

   Somewhere the socks and Tupperware lids are throwing a hell of a party.

   Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.