Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone at work just smiled at me. We don't do that here at Starbucks.

   I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

   If they replaced the company breathalyzer with a brainalyzer, I'd be the person working alone and everyone else sitting in HR.

   It's okay, Web MD. I don't really know what's wrong with me either.

   Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.

   If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

   You want to hear me laugh, ask for money.

   Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

   Do people who say "You gotta fight fire with fire" not understand how fire works?

   [Enter Password] abc1234 [Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

   A woman looked DEEP into my eyes today, I was feeling it, then she ruined it by saying I needed glasses.

   Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

   Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make .... Then they call me ..... ugly and broke.

   .... The Universe is made up of Protons Neutrons Electrons and Morons.

   I'm glad the hackers gained access into my MySpace account. Please send me my pics, I forgot my login information 8 years ago.

   Fact: 69% of people will find something dirty in every sentence.

   If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."

   A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.

   Jeez...You'd think a guy would be flattered waking up to 53 text messages.