Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1297 of 6383
only whites work around here..darn mexicans, and blacks
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03-15-2016 21:08
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wondering if he can claim Johnny Walker as a dependent.
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03-15-2016 14:23
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I just finished my taxes...As much as I am going to have to pay...The least Obama could do is send me a photo of the family I am sponsoring!!!!
Bernie Sanders want to run the United States and he can't even operate a simple comb with no moving parts.
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03-15-2016 07:10
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I hate it when women say "I want a guy who can handle me." What?!?! You're not a zoo animal. Handle your damn self.
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03-15-2016 05:40
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Parenthood is always saying the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results. Funny thing is, that's the same definition of insanity. Coincidence? I think not!
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03-15-2016 05:34
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Hey Kanye....you think you made Taylor Swift famous? That's so cute.
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03-15-2016 05:26
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Starting today, I will stop drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
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03-15-2016 05:24
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Teens these days don't know how lucky they are to have song lyrics sites. We used to sing stuff wrong for years until the truth destroyed us with weekly therapy sessions.
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03-15-2016 05:17
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Did you know? If you see a sock on a doorknob it's always common courtesy to bust down the door and yell "Player Three has arrived."
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03-15-2016 05:12
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My doctor told me to start killing people....well not exactly in those words. He said I need to reduce stress in my life.
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03-15-2016 05:09
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I hate my job but it pays for my alcohol and I need alcohol because I hate my job.
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03-15-2016 05:06
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Vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you're a supreme heavyweight and it's not effecting you, & the next you are chatting up a chair.
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03-15-2016 01:35
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A perfect Tuesday goal: To be the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.
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03-15-2016 01:32
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I love when people say "they're expecting a baby" as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
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03-15-2016 01:27
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Be a gentleman, know when to hold her hand. Be a man, know when to pull her hair.
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03-15-2016 01:26
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After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I've come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
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03-15-2016 01:24
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Kellogg investigating video of man urinating on factory assembly line....Mmmmm pee-flavored Rice Krispees is a delicious healthy breakfast.
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03-15-2016 01:20
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If Wendy's think their square burgers are so awesome, why don't they use square buns??
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03-15-2016 00:24
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The thugs showing up at trump rallies are just mad because they are afraid they'll have to work