Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1296 of 6446

life is short…smile while you still have teeth
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05-23-2016 16:20 by Zinc
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Bud Light; new can, same sucky beer...
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05-23-2016 16:18
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Loves a man in uniform..Unless he appears in my rearview mirror.
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05-23-2016 13:05
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Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.
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05-23-2016 11:16 by Fazzella
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For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.
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05-22-2016 19:43 by Snotty
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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05-22-2016 13:57
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The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
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05-21-2016 13:30 by Fazzella
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People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.
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05-21-2016 13:28 by Fazzella
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I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.
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05-21-2016 13:26 by Fazzella
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I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"
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05-21-2016 13:25 by Fazzella
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Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.
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05-21-2016 12:07 by Fazzella
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I was born to be cool but global warming is slowly changing that.
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05-21-2016 11:47
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GARDENING. Cheaper than therapy and ya get tomatos!
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05-21-2016 11:05
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* Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.
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05-21-2016 08:19 by Snotty
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Let me see if I have this right, they defended the White House from a home invasion with guns?
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05-21-2016 07:53
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.... In a world where people don't understand the consequences of their actions ..... People shall be hurt .... and People shall perish .....
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05-21-2016 01:39
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No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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05-20-2016 19:20 by flinnie
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I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.

How many more of these body wraps do I have to eat before I start losing inches?
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05-20-2016 18:50 by huck
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FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009