Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1296 of 6446

If I ever own a parrot I'm going to teach him to say, "Will someone please find the witch who cast this spell on me?"
←Rate |
05-24-2016 17:05
Comments (0)

My neighbor, Jen, gave me a vitamin. Turns out it was a vitamin for women. I've been getting dressed for the past 2 hours and still can't find the right pair of shoes to match my pants.
←Rate |
05-24-2016 13:17 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

When s**t happens turn it into fertilizer.
←Rate |
05-24-2016 09:49
Comments (0)

I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.
←Rate |
05-24-2016 06:10 by Snotty
Comments (0)

Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐
←Rate |
05-24-2016 06:06 by Snotty
Comments (0)

Always onclude specific instructions for handling your remains in your Will. Do you want them poured out during the final drop of Splash Mountain or along the entire ride?
←Rate |
05-23-2016 17:33
Comments (0)

life is short…smile while you still have teeth
←Rate |
05-23-2016 16:20 by Zinc
Comments (0)

Bud Light; new can, same sucky beer...
←Rate |
05-23-2016 16:18
Comments (0)

Loves a man in uniform..Unless he appears in my rearview mirror.
←Rate |
05-23-2016 13:05
Comments (0)

Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.
←Rate |
05-23-2016 11:16 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.
←Rate |
05-22-2016 19:43 by Snotty
Comments (0)

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
←Rate |
05-22-2016 13:57
Comments (0)

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
←Rate |
05-21-2016 13:30 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.
←Rate |
05-21-2016 13:28 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.
←Rate |
05-21-2016 13:26 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"
←Rate |
05-21-2016 13:25 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.
←Rate |
05-21-2016 12:07 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

I was born to be cool but global warming is slowly changing that.
←Rate |
05-21-2016 11:47
Comments (0)

GARDENING. Cheaper than therapy and ya get tomatos!
←Rate |
05-21-2016 11:05
Comments (0)

* Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.
←Rate |
05-21-2016 08:19 by Snotty
Comments (0)