Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One good tip to make the Outback Steakhouse more authentic, all the staff should speak Australian.

   People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

   Some people will not try bacon for religious reasons. Good to know, more bacon for me.....

   So looking forward to all the Easter weekend mattress sales.

   I'm excited this Easter to eat like the 1% and drink like the 99%.

   Kanye West is bankrupt and wants to run for President in 2020, he'll a better candidate than Trump is with four bankruptcies.

   My dream in life is to be a guest on the Maury show.

   Saying "Do I smell popcorn?" right after someone farts, so everybody takes a deep breath.

   Fattening Tip: You can pour melted ice cream on regular ice cream. It's like a sauce!!!

   I've seen so many bathroom selfies in my life that now I cannot tell if someone is sexy in real life unless they are standing near a toilet.

   Proper Etiquette In 2016: Don't casually shoot someone while reading the manual of the gun you're shooting them with.

   Fact: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.

   Wow!!! Madonna exposes 17-year old's breat during concert, teen calls it the best moment in her life. Hmmmm....I thought all of Madonna's fans were all adults in their 40's and 50's.

   just like the calendar says, I "SAT" around all day today

   So if daredevil sees everything like it's on fire when he looks in the mirror does he see himself as the human torch?

   One thing I've learned about women is they prefer that I don't speak

   Had to take the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...

   Shout out to everyone who's trying to get their life together. Working on yourself is the hardest part of life. So is wet t-shirt contests during Spring Break!!!

   Have we tried turning the U.S. off and back on again?? Works well for Earth Hour and political elections.

   I'm not a fan of Donald Trump, but I won't denigrate those who are....and for those that are Donald Trump fans, denigrate means to "put down."