Funny Status Messages

   Egyptian Pharaoh King Tutankhamun was found buried with a dagger made from a meteorite, so hopefully my request of being buried with my cell phone will be accepted.

   I don't think a child should win America's Got Talent, because performing at 2 am in a Las Vegas casino is simply too cruel.

   I always wonder about this, what bathroom should a trangender gorilla use?

   Nick Cannon challenges Eminem to $100,000 rap battle, I am so loooking forward to watching it this week on America's Got Talent.

   Do you have to buy a gift if the baby is ugly?

   spilled my coffee and I felt a piece of my soul die.

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor

   "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING THAT BRA" The friend replies. EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

   I guess I won't be allowed to host any more baby showers. Who knew the baby shaped piñata wouldnt be a hit!

   You know how to pi$$ a liberal off. Make sense. . .

   I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   Made eye contact with a stranger today. Turns out strangers don't like it when you touch their eyeballs.

   Are you tired of wal-mart rushing our holiday's? I can't believe it, They already have birthday cards out and it's still months away from my birthday!!!!

   Damn, two gorillas in one week...

   "With great b( . )( . )bs come great responsibility". JFK I think

   I may lose friends. But.. People who want to BE politically correct need a red hot iron stoker stuck up their a$$es. . .

   I may lose friends. But.. People who want to politically correct need a red hot iron stoker stuck up their a$$es. . .

   I want to push all your buttons. Starting with mute.

   Hope my Facebook friends like my staycation photos! -Me in a chair. -Me on the couch. -Different chair. -Sitting on the bed. -Couch again.

   Attended a surprise party at work this afternoon. Fred was really surprised he was retiring.