Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else get road rage walking behind slow people? Yeah, me neither.

   It takes about 3.4 seconds for me to go from "this is the best day ever" to "I want to stab every human being on planet Earth."

   Last night, I binge watched "The Joy Of Painting" with Bob Ross on the first night Netflix streamed the show.

   There should be a margarita truck that drives around playing mariachi music in the evenings and we can run out with our money like an ice crean truck, but you know with margaritas....

   Dude on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

   BREAKING NEWS: Server 404 has been found!!!

   Someone at work just smiled at me. We don't do that here at Starbucks.

   I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

   If they replaced the company breathalyzer with a brainalyzer, I'd be the person working alone and everyone else sitting in HR.

   It's okay, Web MD. I don't really know what's wrong with me either.

   Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.

   If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

   You want to hear me laugh, ask for money.

   Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

   Do people who say "You gotta fight fire with fire" not understand how fire works?

   [Enter Password] abc1234 [Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

   A woman looked DEEP into my eyes today, I was feeling it, then she ruined it by saying I needed glasses.

   Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

   Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make .... Then they call me ..... ugly and broke.