Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you have to buy a gift if the baby is ugly?

   spilled my coffee and I felt a piece of my soul die.

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor

   "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING THAT BRA" The friend replies. EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

   I guess I won't be allowed to host any more baby showers. Who knew the baby shaped piñata wouldnt be a hit!

   You know how to pi$$ a liberal off. Make sense. . .

   I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   Made eye contact with a stranger today. Turns out strangers don't like it when you touch their eyeballs.

   Are you tired of wal-mart rushing our holiday's? I can't believe it, They already have birthday cards out and it's still months away from my birthday!!!!

   Damn, two gorillas in one week...

   "With great b( . )( . )bs come great responsibility". JFK I think

   I may lose friends. But.. People who want to BE politically correct need a red hot iron stoker stuck up their a$$es. . .

   I may lose friends. But.. People who want to politically correct need a red hot iron stoker stuck up their a$$es. . .

   I want to push all your buttons. Starting with mute.

   Hope my Facebook friends like my staycation photos! -Me in a chair. -Me on the couch. -Different chair. -Sitting on the bed. -Couch again.

   Attended a surprise party at work this afternoon. Fred was really surprised he was retiring.

   My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.

   My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days.....

   If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

   Hallmark has birthday cards out already, and it's not anywhere near my birthday.