Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1284 of 6383
Thank you, St Patrick's Day and Spring Break for proving thats the best way to get through every March is to stay drunk the whole time like the leprechauns.
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03-29-2016 06:46
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And then the imaginary Easter Bunny said "put that obscene picture on Facebook. It's hilarious"... But the Easter Bunny was wrong. So very wrong. According to the HR department.
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03-29-2016 06:40
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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever. Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
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03-29-2016 06:31
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Raise you hand if you are in bed on your phone.....
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03-29-2016 06:19
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College kids please choose a career in something you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because that dream job isn't hiring....
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03-29-2016 06:03
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The only drunk phone call I wanna make this Tuesday night, is for tacos.
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03-29-2016 05:13
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Relationship Status Update On Tuesday: Slept with laundry last night I was too lazy to fold.
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03-29-2016 05:07
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In Other News: A woman can have 104 guys chasing her and still want the douche that doesn't want her.
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03-29-2016 04:57
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Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....when is it safe to leave the witness protection program??
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03-29-2016 04:49
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Corporate Rulemaking: "From now on, you will work with one hand tied behind your back. Our research shows this will reduce hand injuries by 1/2. Expected production rates will remain the same."
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03-28-2016 22:14
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I am gonna get death threats for this: I really hate peeps, they taste gross.
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03-28-2016 21:51
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Smooth jazz version of "In bloom" playing on KCRW right now. Somewhere Kurt Cobain is killing himself all over again.
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03-28-2016 15:31 by HotTea
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Whenever I see someone walking around with a selfie stick, I always wonder what happened for them to just give up on life like that.
“How about a rope that's angry all the time” – GOD WHILE CREATING SNAKES
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03-28-2016 13:54
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Two things you'd say to a cat but never to a woman: "Stop licking me." "Get your b utthole away from my face."
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03-28-2016 13:19
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This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
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03-28-2016 11:31 by Czovczov
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if you wanna be something today be an encourager, there's likely someone you know that needs one.
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03-28-2016 11:26
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human skull found by Hollywood sign that of a female.... Mouth wide open.
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03-28-2016 10:25
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I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
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03-28-2016 08:10
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My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support
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03-28-2016 08:02 by Czovczov
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