Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The first bee is always the calm before the swarm.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 06:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think my coworkers like me mostly because I’m too busy texting to judge their work ethic.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 06:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he's expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Olive Garden didn't treat me like family. If they did they would've blown cigarette smoke in my face and told me what a disappointment I am.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pitching a marriage game show called ""Fine or Not Fine?"
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To be honest, I thought all this was a dream, so I stopped paying my bills a year ago.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Computer glitch at LAX causes passenger to catch flight quickly & unmolested....
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I passed a heart stress test today when I noticed a spider crawling up my shoulder.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 05:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thanks to you gender benders, now my kid thinks that women give birth to girls and men give birth to boys.
←Rate | 06-07-2016 01:37 Comments (2)  


   messageicon The sworn responsibility of the President of the United States is to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Question: When was the last time you heard any of the candidates even mention the Constitution?
←Rate | 06-06-2016 23:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon .... In today's world "Common Sense" has become so rare it's now considered a Super Power.
←Rate | 06-06-2016 23:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first rule of the Pizza Club is there are no rules. I mean pineapple, there is no pineapple.
←Rate | 06-06-2016 15:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To the girl working at the McDonalds I just left, based on all your tattoos, I'd say your minimum wage pay isn't the issue here...
←Rate | 06-06-2016 15:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Muhammad Ali did not kill that gorilla's toddler just so you can make jokes on Facebook
←Rate | 06-06-2016 13:46 Comments (0)  




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