Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1281 of 6446

The Democratic Party presidential race is not yet over, there are still more primaries: Washington, D.C. on June 14th. Gotham City on June 18th. Atlantis on June 22nd. Sim City on June 26th. Mordor on July 1st.
←Rate |
06-10-2016 01:06
Comments (0)

2016 and we've yet to see the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall.
←Rate |
06-10-2016 01:00
Comments (0)

Whenever my wife falls asleep in public I start slapping her and yelling "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!!" Then people cheer and applaud when she wakes up.

There are two kinds of people. People who will help me hide a body and people who ARE the body.
←Rate |
06-09-2016 19:45
Comments (0)

I don't understand my co-workers. I am in IT, they are all Indian, and I LITERALLY cannot understand them.
←Rate |
06-09-2016 19:35
Comments (0)

.... When I die I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep ..... Not screaming like the passengers in the bus he was driving.
←Rate |
06-09-2016 19:01
Comments (1)

.... The new Battle Cry of today's American Politicians ..... "Damn the Constitution, ..... Full Speed Ahead!"
←Rate |
06-09-2016 13:29
Comments (0)

.... Something isn't wrong because it's Illegal ....... It's Illegal because it's Wrong!
←Rate |
06-09-2016 12:44
Comments (0)

Seriously, though... who in the blue hell is voting for Hillary?
←Rate |
06-09-2016 12:26
Comments (0)

"Canadians are so polite" - people who have obviously never driven in Canada.
←Rate |
06-09-2016 12:06
Comments (0)

.... Just got rid of 200lbs of ugly fat ..... Got divorced.
←Rate |
06-09-2016 11:25
Comments (0)

.... Bacon ..... Proof God meant for us to eat meat!
←Rate |
06-09-2016 11:23
Comments (0)

A Rabbi asked me why we Catholics believe in Purgatory when there's no actual mention of it in the Bible. I told him it's the food. They serve both Angel Hair Pasta AND Devil's Food Chocolate Cake.
←Rate |
06-09-2016 11:19 by Mickey
Comments (0)

The law of attraction is you will lick someone where they pee. . .
←Rate |
06-09-2016 11:16 by JAB
Comments (1)

Never had much use for a knight in shining armor but a fine looking man in a pair of Levis....that's a whole 'nother tale.
←Rate |
06-09-2016 06:34
Comments (0)

be smart, pretend to be stupid!
←Rate |
06-09-2016 05:32
Comments (0)

I just got my ancestry.com DNA test back! So excited!!! Turns out I'm 61% Italian, 15% Irish, 10% Greek and 14% Alcohol.... Not bad for a Thursday morning!
←Rate |
06-08-2016 23:32
Comments (0)

50 lbs of fruit flavored candy must be good for me right?
←Rate |
06-08-2016 23:29
Comments (0)

The real question now is what are all these kids going to do with the Bernie tattoos? Maybe Hillary should offer a removal fee forgiveness plan....
←Rate |
06-08-2016 19:24
Comments (0)

Hillary Clinton is the first person who identifies as a female to become the presumptive Democrat Party nominee. Although Bernie ran as a close second.
←Rate |
06-08-2016 18:11
Comments (0)