Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After all the eating I have done this winter, I am happy to report my flip-flops still fit.

   If the right to vote was taken away from anyone convicted of a fenoly we would never have another democrat president again.

   snapchat is creating it's own brand of human beings separate from the rest of us, people who think dog filters and squished faces are cool

   I may be mean but at least I use my fcuking blinker.

   Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.

   I really think that our Presidential Election is going to be decided by a "Yo Momma" competition on Comedy Central.

   My thoughts are with all of the crooks, fraudsters, politicians, super rich elite, celebrities and athletes during these difficult times. #PanamaLeaks

   No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.

   I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

   No one wished me a Happy Birthday today. But then, today isn't my birthday either.

   If the family dog could talk right now he would probably say,. Lets eat everything in the house.

   North Korea is shaking some big balls at the United States, though they're most likely photoshopped !

   Nobody ever got their balls stuck in a buttonhole......jus sayin

   Dear annoying stalker,. Thanks for the confidence boost. Sincerely, keep it up.

   English Lesson: Allow me to put my dangling participle in your dipthong.

   Thanksgiving is almost 8 months away. That'll give me some time to prepare for that dry azz turkey dinner.

   If the first person who said: As god is my witness he should strike me down with a bolt of lightning actually got struck, there'd be a lot of dead people in the world for lying or a very lot of honest people. . . So where is this god you speak of.

   Your candy bowl on your desk is the only reason why I come into work on Mondays.

   To stay healthy this April, I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.

   Canadian Official Opposition Leader "lists" her house on Airbnb to help Canada's deficit. America wishes more Republicans in Washington would do that than always complaining about Obama's agenda.