Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1267 of 6446

Why didn't the gay cop from "The Village People" save the day in that Orlando club?

I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal

Life is not a fairy tale guys........if you lose a shoe by midnight your drunk.
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06-18-2016 14:19
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The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
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06-18-2016 11:55 by Fazzella
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Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.
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06-18-2016 10:07
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When does Red mean GO and Green means STOP?? Answer: when eating watermelon.
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06-18-2016 08:32
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Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.
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06-18-2016 08:28
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I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it.
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06-18-2016 08:27
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You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.
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06-18-2016 08:26
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No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
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06-18-2016 08:23
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If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
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06-18-2016 08:20
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I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
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06-18-2016 08:20
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Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.
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06-18-2016 08:19
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Answering the phone with a blast from an air horn sure has decreased the number of unwanted incoming calls considerably.
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06-18-2016 08:19
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YEAH!!!!! FIRST DAY OF SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! when do the kids go back to school??
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06-18-2016 08:18
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They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
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06-18-2016 08:17
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I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..
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06-18-2016 08:13
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Toast, and Bacon and eggs all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
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06-18-2016 08:12
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Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.
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06-18-2016 08:12
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I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses.
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06-18-2016 08:10
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