Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Why didn't the gay cop from "The Village People" save the day in that Orlando club?
←Rate | 06-19-2016 00:05 by total package Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal
←Rate | 06-18-2016 22:11 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life is not a fairy tale guys........if you lose a shoe by midnight your drunk.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 14:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 11:55 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 10:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When does Red mean GO and Green means STOP?? Answer: when eating watermelon.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Answering the phone with a blast from an air horn sure has decreased the number of unwanted incoming calls considerably.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon YEAH!!!!! FIRST DAY OF SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! when do the kids go back to school??
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Toast, and Bacon and eggs all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 08:10 Comments (1)  




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