Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Contrary to rumors, a full moon before the summer solstice is not bad news. Unless you're a werewolf who likes to go to the beach.

   The best things in life are free drugs.

   The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.

   Only while camping can you pee in the middle of the night while staring into the eyes of a bear.

   Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.

   Happy Father's Day to all the real Dad's.... Sit down deadbeats we celebrate you on April Fool's Day...

   Why didn't the gay cop from "The Village People" save the day in that Orlando club?

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal

   Life is not a fairy tale guys........if you lose a shoe by midnight your drunk.

   The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

   Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.

   When does Red mean GO and Green means STOP?? Answer: when eating watermelon.

   Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.

   I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it.

   You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.

   No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.

   If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

   I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

   Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.

   Answering the phone with a blast from an air horn sure has decreased the number of unwanted incoming calls considerably.