Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1266 of 6446

Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.
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06-20-2016 07:24 by Nipper
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.... Dammit my six pack has turned into a keg ... time to hit the gym again.
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06-20-2016 03:13
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.... If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen .... Is it then called an Edison?
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06-20-2016 03:00
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Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner
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06-20-2016 01:15
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It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies
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06-20-2016 00:42 by jitney
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it too late to claim that I invented the wheel. . .
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06-20-2016 00:10 by JAB
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Between Peyton Manning with a Super Bowl; Sid the Kid with a Stanley Cup, and Lebron tonight; a lot of haterz died a painful death this year. Kudos to three of the all time greats cementing their legacies!!!
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06-19-2016 23:20
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First rule of Dad Club is hey are you paying attention here, you need to know how to change a tire, hand me a wrench not that one the other one.
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06-19-2016 20:47
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A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2015. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.
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06-19-2016 20:47
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So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet

Not sure what it is but the older I get, the smarter my Dad gets....
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06-19-2016 08:48
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Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.
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06-19-2016 06:19
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Just found out AT&T stands for Atlantic Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side.
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06-19-2016 06:18
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I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.
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06-19-2016 06:16
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Always wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.
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06-19-2016 06:16
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.
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06-19-2016 06:14
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Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.
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06-19-2016 06:13
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Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.
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06-19-2016 06:11
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You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.
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06-19-2016 06:11
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I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal.
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06-19-2016 06:09
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