Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1266 of 6446

So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet

Not sure what it is but the older I get, the smarter my Dad gets....
←Rate |
06-19-2016 08:48
Comments (0)

Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:19
Comments (0)

Just found out AT&T stands for Atlantic Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:18
Comments (1)

I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:16
Comments (0)

Always wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:16
Comments (0)

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:14
Comments (0)

Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:13
Comments (0)

Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:11
Comments (0)

You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:11
Comments (0)

I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:09
Comments (0)

When I want the entire beach to myself on Father's Day, I wear a Speedo.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:08
Comments (0)

You're a living oxymoron if you get distracted while driving a Ford Focus.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:07
Comments (0)

My Mom always told me to dress as if I'm gay, which I guess makes sense since my clothes came out of the closet.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:05
Comments (0)

Contrary to rumors, a full moon before the summer solstice is not bad news. Unless you're a werewolf who likes to go to the beach.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:03
Comments (0)

The best things in life are free drugs.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:00
Comments (0)

The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 06:00
Comments (0)

Only while camping can you pee in the middle of the night while staring into the eyes of a bear.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 05:58
Comments (0)

Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.
←Rate |
06-19-2016 05:56
Comments (0)

Happy Father's Day to all the real Dad's.... Sit down deadbeats we celebrate you on April Fool's Day...
←Rate |
06-19-2016 05:51
Comments (0)