Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.

   .... Dammit my six pack has turned into a keg ... time to hit the gym again.

   .... If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen .... Is it then called an Edison?

   Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies

   it too late to claim that I invented the wheel. . .

   Between Peyton Manning with a Super Bowl; Sid the Kid with a Stanley Cup, and Lebron tonight; a lot of haterz died a painful death this year. Kudos to three of the all time greats cementing their legacies!!!

   First rule of Dad Club is hey are you paying attention here, you need to know how to change a tire, hand me a wrench not that one the other one.

   A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2015. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.

   So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet

   Not sure what it is but the older I get, the smarter my Dad gets....

   Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.

   Just found out AT&T stands for Atlantic Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side.

   I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.

   Always wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.

   Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.

   You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal.