Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want an app to mute nearby people.

   All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

   My chore list is cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father's Day.

   Finally told my parents they’re gay.

   Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

   If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

   99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   "I know a good divorce lawyer" is definitely a wrong thing to say at any wedding. Hmmm now I know.

   There is an 87% chance if your wife still sleeps with a stuffed animal you'll end up as the featured story on Dateline at some point.

   BREAKING: Donald Trump fires Corey Lewandowski as campaign manager, plans on replacing him with Gary Busey.

   I'm wondering...did Bruce Jenner get a father's day gift on father's day, a mother's day gift on Mother's day, or gifts on both days? If he gets gifts on both days, then this all makes sense now.

   Day 781 of P90X: I carry my car to work everyday.

   My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.

   Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.

   .... Dammit my six pack has turned into a keg ... time to hit the gym again.

   .... If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen .... Is it then called an Edison?

   Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies