Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Donald Trump "has accepted a relationship with Christ". No word yet on if he plans on leaving him for a younger, prettier messiah.

   Teen Slang Update: "Bye, Felicia" has been abbreviated to "Peace, Feleesh".

   The United Kingdom just asked Donald Trump's father for a small loan.

   I wish getting rich was just as easy as getting fat.

   ..... Unfortunately in the real world an organization urging to SAVE Humanity ....... Sadly .... is almost always a front for a politically motivated group seeking to rule it.

   I finally found my girlfriends G spot.. Turns out her sister had it .

   let's be honest .... nothing is as good as 90's nostalgia, Rocko's Modern Life over Sanjay and Craig any day.

   The garbage man is late. I think he's been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.

   Eric Cartman was Donald Trump before Donald Trump became Donald Trump.

   I don't trust the sun. Why can't we look directly at it? What is it hiding?

   I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something.

   If you don't see Snowden as a hero please unfriend me,. Save me the trouble of finding out later that your just effin sheep of the media.

   Lest we not forget that Nicola Cage won an Academy award for best actor in a leading role for his role in the film Leaving Las Vegas in 1995.

   Screw the government, let's all smoke weed this weekend

   Grandma told me good girls always eat a banana with a knife and folk

   If you prefer a table over the booth we will never be friends

   Reading red meat is bad for you so i'm giving up reading

   No one wants to chill with me tonight cuz I lost my Netflix password

   Whenever it rains the trees scream "it's party time"

   Golden Corral has lobster tails for $2.99. That's less than the medicine you'll need to buy from puking your guts out afterwards.