Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm tonight...The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!

   ..... I don't think accepting tens of millions of dollars from foreign entities is really the best qualification for a person seeking to become President of the United States.

   Politicians are constantly rated as among the most Un-Trustworthy people. So how come so many people actually believe every promise they make for when they become president? They should know that they are just going to prove the same point once again.

   OK, OK. I'm sorry I yelled "Get a room!" when your grandmother was hugging your grandfather's casket.

   After spending any time on social media you can understand why they need to write "Do Not Eat" on silica packets.

   If a trip to Golden Corral doesn't make you pro-choice, nothing will.

   Donald Trump has great respect for women in general, according to his new publicist Mrs. Doubtfire.

   Dating Red Flags: She shows you the "good behavior" pin she received in group therapy.

   Public Pool Etiquette: Before urinating, one must raise one's hand and flab one's wrist as to alert others to vacate the pool.

   "The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly

   Remember when Ron Paul was too crazy to be President.

   Bad Inspirational Quote: Life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get - like anaphylactic shock for unlisted nuts.

   I don't really care about your opinion of me, but I met a dog earlier that didn't like me and it's still messing with me....

   Any body up for playing some Tennis...we can use my balls.!

   Just say Donald Trump's 2015 tax return. He made $38,000 in salary and extra $2 billion in pre-taxed "tips".

   If somebody just joined Facebook now either their 10 year prison stint is over or they're newly separated.

   Yahoo's search engine is just two drunk guys leaning out a third-floor window accousting passerby with your questions.

   If you think she posts a lot of photos of her pregnancy wait until that kid arrives.

   "Trump University is my first choice and University of Phoenix is my safety school." --A scholastically challenged person in 2007

   Mrs Browns Lovely daughter must have a lovely daughter of her own by now shouldn't she ?