Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I make posts set to “only me.” That stuff is between me and the Feds.

   The guy ahead of me bought 20 dollars worth on pump 3. Where was he going, to pump 4?

   Don’t be sad that your flight has a 7 hour delay, be grateful for your 30 dollar 2 inch sub sandwich.

   Welsh woman used to curse people by falling to their knees, pulling out their boobs, and screaming obscenities at their victim. It’s sad how we let some traditions die.

   It’s called “gross pay” because it’s disgusting to see how much money you would have made before taxes.

   You think you’ve got it rough? Imagine being a trapeze artist with diarrhea.

   The fact that people were hoarding toilet paper proves one thing. Humanity is full of crap.

   Never hint to a printer that you’re in a rush, they can smell fear.

   The furniture in Kung Fu Movies breaks so easily because it’s made in China.

   Sometimes I call the number listed on missing dog posters and just bark

   Don't let your Facebook balls get your real life teeth knocked out.

   They should sell liver sandwiches at baseball games to complete the misery of the entire experience.

   I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet. Now, it's clogged.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever made.

   I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss. 😁

   To save time, let's just assume I'm never wrong.

   Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

   I wish there was a way to turn bad books back into trees.

   Why do lesbos pleasure themselves with plastic dil-dos instead of plastic vag-ginas?