Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.

   If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends

   Right now the most stable currency in the UK is the Cadbury Creme Egg.

   Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side

   .... Everyone has that one person in their life that is lucky to be alive and is only still breathing because you can't afford a hit-man ...

   Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest

   Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne?

   All aboard the disoriented express.....

   ...... Liberals to the Left of me .... Republicans to the right ...... Here I am ..... Stuck in the middle with you ......

   Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...

   If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?

   Miss those 90's thrillers when the bomb clock was still analog and only had three wires.

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.

   Nothing says "I'm way more confident than I should be" quite like men over 35 wearing Hollister tees and seashell necklaces.

   My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.

   Did you know people writing 1700's on all their checks was a problem most Americans faced in 1800.

   Do soccer players actually pay for those hair cuts or do they just find the first drunk guy with a weed eater and insult his mother?

   Life from the 1800's, my whole family died of diarrhea last night.