Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning...gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

   I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.

   I hope my cat doesn't want to go as something slutty again for Halloween this year.

   I want a President I can do mushrooms with.

   At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die....

   "Welcome to Motel 6, we hope you enjoy your stay, but if not, well, that's okay, too."

   My service dog refuses to go out of the house without his service squirrel.

   Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

   Marijuana is the gateway drug for you taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird?!?!

   Irony: Being able to sleep in during vacation yet waking up spontaneously at 6 am and not being able to get back to sleep.

   Ted Cruz kept saying God wanted him to be President, and this is what happened. So either there is no God, or he reeeally doesn't like Ted.

   Be careful of those 'dream girls' guys. They'll often end as nightmares.

   Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip

   People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.

   Rest areas restroom are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.

   have you ever sat thru an entire light at a intersection cause you were too busy looking at your phone?....me neither

   If you're voting for Hilary Raise your hand.....now take that hand and slap your dumbass in the face with it!

   What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive squirrel?

   "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.