Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon We are paying you to work, not chase fictional video game characters with your cell phone all day. Save it for your break time or lunch. Otherwise you'll have plenty of time unemployed to "catch them all".
←Rate | 07-09-2016 14:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 14:36 Comments (1)  


   messageicon This is Jane. Jane is in a relationship. Jane doesn't post on Facebook about how much she loves her partner. She does this in person. She doesn't mention every little significant thing they do. Janes knows nobody gives a damn. Jane is smart. Be like Jane.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Things I Joke About: 1) TV Shows/Movies. 2) Stuff I see on the internet. 3) 'That's what she said'. 4) Serious matters that should never be joked about and part of the reason I'm going to hell.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 14:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The female Praying Mantis devours the male immediately after mating ...... While a Human female prefers to spread it out over an entire lifetime.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 12:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think my neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm not very good at gardening.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 12:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ..... With so many things coming back in style ... I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 12:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I still think Richard Gere overpaid for Julia Roberts.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to be so rich I can build my own water park. Filled with vodka.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would love to know what gross pizza joint the Ninja Turtles ordered from that they never questioned delivery to a sewer.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The easiest way to childproof your house is to wear a condom.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 5 Word Eulogy: He loved texting and driving.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's Official: Both Hillary and Donald are now more unpopular than wearing Crocs with socks.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Somedays I have the most intense on and off relationship with my pants.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I comment on a Facebook post I immediately hit "Turn Off Notifications" because why the hell wouldn't you?
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy endings run rampant in Disney Princess prostitution ring.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro Tip: Taking photos inside a Victoria's Secret to make your own catalog is frowned upon by their management.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are no skeletons in the closet. However, there is a tiny box of souls in the underwear drawer.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 03:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If we can't put aside our differences in an interracial porn section what hope do we have for the real world?
←Rate | 07-09-2016 02:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Starbucks is going to raise their prices by 10%. Doesn't affect me because if I'm paying over three bucks for a drink, it's always gonna be beer.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 02:30 Comments (0)  




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