Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Some guy called my girlfriend "ma'am" so now everybody's night is ruined.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Confession: I ate all my hurricane snacks during the first two hours of the storm and I'm probably not the guy you want on your apocalypse team....
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Say NO! to drugs. Say YES! to drugs. It really doesn't matter what you tell drugs because if you're talking to drugs, you're taking them.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Love to use the Ouija board to pester my dead girlfriends.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return and just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you don't vaccinate your kids they'll grow up to be Vegan CrossFitters with a gluten allergy.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To make room for the McDonald's expansion in their stores all Walmarts are removing the 15 registers that are never open.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump In 1776: Women love me because they'll be hung by a rope in the town square if they declare otherwise.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sat through half of 'Pitch Perfect' with my wife and daughter before realizing it wasn't a movie about baseball.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My puppy is afraid of shirts, ice cream trucks, blankets that vaguely take human shape, and boxes, but has no problem with fireworks.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What winter jacket brand is best if I'll be spending the months of July and August in the Corporate Office Building?
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not saying that I have commitment issues, but my favorite part of Forrest Gump is when he just keeps running.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Please remember if their online dating profile photo is iffy that's the best one out of all the photos ever taken of them.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The FBI owes General David Petraeus an apology. Heck ... What's good for the Goose ... is also good for the Gander.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 23:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So ..... FBI Director James Comey Sure Has Changed his views a Lot Since He Prosecuted Martha Stewart hasn't he … Folks ... Do some research and check it out.
←Rate | 07-05-2016 22:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon n't it curious that the SAME FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times and found nothing incriminating ..... ALSO interviewed Hillary Clinton and found nothing incriminating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....... Ya folks ..... We're really in good hands now!
←Rate | 07-05-2016 21:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HECK .... If she can get away with this Crap NOW ...... Just think what she could get away with as President!!! Seriously ..... If you are really serious about your own future .... and the future of this nation ...... THINK ABOUT IT!!!
←Rate | 07-05-2016 21:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon WELL .... Apparently the rhythm method doesn't work!
←Rate | 07-05-2016 20:59 Comments (0)  




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