Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1246 of 6383
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
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05-10-2016 01:02
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The only woman in my life who regularly calls to see if I'm ok works at MasterCard.
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05-10-2016 01:00
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Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything, just put a cape on their dog.
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05-10-2016 00:58
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My brother came over with his two young sons and I had to child-proof the entire house by closing the blinds and not answering the door.
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05-10-2016 00:57
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Smart dogs sit near the toddler at meal time.
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05-10-2016 00:53
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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05-10-2016 00:52
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Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
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05-10-2016 00:48
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Frequent outbreaks of Listeria, Salmonella and E.coli are why I limit my diet to chocolate, fries and red wine. It's just healthier.
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05-10-2016 00:46
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... Just found out the Feds have funded NASA $3 Billion dollars to calculate the inevitable possibility of a Super Massive Black Hole materializing from the increase of growth of Kanye West's ego & Kim Kardashian's Ass!!!
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05-09-2016 22:46
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Crap, I accidentally said Happy Mother's Day to my mother in person instead of writing a paragraph on social media. I feel like such a tool
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05-09-2016 21:07
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Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.
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05-09-2016 18:07
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Time to donate all of my Leisure Suits to the Salvation Army. I'm starting to think that fashion isn't coming back.
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05-09-2016 17:54
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I wonder what bathrooms Bill will use if he becomes first lady?
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05-09-2016 15:48
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Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do....
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05-09-2016 14:59
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Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.
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05-09-2016 14:30
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Now accepting applications for: "PARTNER IN CRIME" Must be fluent in smart-@$$, sarcasm, and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required.
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05-09-2016 14:16
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Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!
If Hillary gets elected, Bill will be the ugliest first lady ever.
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05-09-2016 10:51 by Gil
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I wanted to serve my wife breakfast in bed but she wouldn't cooperate. By the time I got her tied up so she couldn't get out I had to feed her myself. It got a bit messy, but happy mother's day anyway
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05-09-2016 09:38
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It's hard to drink coffee while laying down in bed but I'm trying.
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05-09-2016 01:15
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