Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know about you but people make me want to say bad words.

   I don't really know the difference between yoga pants & leggings and frankly, I don't care.

   Donald Trump is the match and the GOP is the oil, let's burn this party down!!!

   The stupidest, ugliest Presidential campaign in my entire life: House of Cards meets Sharknado...

   Stephen King has been murder slaying Trump on Twitter since the "rabid coyote" descended the Trump Tower escalator in June.

   Due to the recent debate over public restrooms from this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Pats!

   Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do

   If you are a man, no matter what you do or don't do, there will always be at least one woman somewhere on this planet who is angry with you for a reason you know not.

   When it comes to towel-heads, I am with Donald Trump. These barbarians should not be allowed in a civilized society. They just stabbed people in Germany today.

   Both of these candidates belong behind bars. One in a zoo, the other in prison.

   The GOP like war so much that they started a civil war within their own party.

   "Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"

   Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   Global warming is caused by people being uncool.

   Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.

   Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount....

   One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

   How to put on deodorant: 1. Apply deodorant. 2. Wait two seconds. 3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant. 4. Reapply deodorant.

   Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.