Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dod you know, Clinton's yoga emails are code for how she got Nickelback's ancestors together on the Titanic lifeboat.

   Having more RT's than likes is the social media unicorn.

   In Jurassic World, they were able to train raptors. Still not as impressive as the Flintstones convincing a bird to be their record player.

   If you enjoy loud wails, eating dinner cold, unexpected slime, and not showering properly for days....Smile! You're a Parent.

   Calm down people who smile for no reason....

   Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?

   If a bottle pops in the club and no one posts an Instagram video of it does it make a sound?

   Just want to be rich enough to sort by price from high to low.

   "That guy in the salmon colored shorts is getting laid tonight." -Said no woman ever

   We didn't have child safety seats when I was young. My Dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

   "Only my life matters." -Donald Trump

   Nothing says come at me like high waisted jorts and sensible sneakers.

   It's bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well.

   Why I Hate Talking: I was trapped in a conversation about the pros & cons of sea salt vs land salt.

   Based on recent history of opening a Capri Sun, I don't feel like I'd be able to stab a zombie during the apocalypse.

   Sure I don't trust CNN or Fox News but this new website I never heard of with your radical views, I'll believe your legitimacy.

   Still trying to figure out how they can all afford to buy guns and bullets while on Food Stamps.

   ...... POKEMON GO!!!!!!! No Seriously ....... POKEMON GO!!! The world does not need any more Pokemon!

   Lady, I hope this doesn't surprise you but I am pretty sure your boobs go inside your shirt.

   Well if we really are what we eat ... apparently I am fast cheap and easy.