Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My status updates are now 100% gluten free.

   BTW .... I need a new friend ....... The last one escaped

   Turns out most people find History Boring ..... Which also turns out that is why they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. (Forgive me folks ... that's an intellectual joke)

   FBI Director James Comey: "probably hacked" .... In other news, ..... Russian universities dominate in 2016 Computer and Server Hacking Competition

   Just found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real!!! ... Dammit ... So much for my retirement plan! BTW ... Is Bernie still running? .... He's my backup plan B. If not ... That lady promising me lotsa free stuff will have to do. She can also print money right?

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less!

   I think Hillary secretly wanted to go to prison so she could campaigin to all the black democrats

   So the presidential election is between a grandma who can't figure out her email and a grandpa who believes every spam he receives? Great.

   I used to dream of that fairytale kind of love. Now I'll settle for someone who'll gain weight faster than me.

   Urinating on a jelly fish sting helps the pain. Urinating on a bee sting just makes your neighbor angry.

   Started to wear a wig at the gym so everyone thinks I am strong for a girl.

   I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

   "According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.

   The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'"

   Yeti has a beer coozie that will keep a beer cold for over an hour. I don't think they understand how beer drinking works.

   Gonna miss my Obamaphone when He's gone .... But looking forward to my new Hillaryphone upgrade with the new Self Deleting Email, Welfare Check tracking & Get outta Jail Free features. She has thought of everything that us successful Millennials need!!

   Hold your horses is my favourite thing to say to people who don't even have horses.

   "your mother" is my response whenever someone talks to me in a language I dont understand.

   If I had a militia we wouldn't occupy a federal building, we would occupy a Krispy Kreme.

   Just added "CLINGY" to my dating resume.