Funny Status Messages

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   Either someone’s smoking pot or it’s a skunk! Lmao 😂

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆

   I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   Marriage tip: Make sure your wife always accommodates to your needs. "Honey, when you finish using the bathroom, you need to put the toilet seat back up".

   I went to a store that sells classic record albums. The sign on the door said "All Sales Vinyl."

   NO! I didn't fall on the floor! I attacked it with my wicked ninja skills! Aren't you jealous?

   According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

   Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

   It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”