Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

   Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

   Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

   Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?, I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

   One day You Tube, Twitter and Facebook will be joined together and be called, You-twit-face.

   Drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee goes down like a chubby kid on a seesaw.

   When people ask, “Do you have a bathroom?” No, we pee in the yard.

   Choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will always find an easy way to do it.

   I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

   Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that e-mail to ten people.

   I’m tired of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

   Friends are God’s way of apologizing for our families.

   Knowledge is like underwear; it is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

   McDonald's is making a deep fried pickle covered in a batter...they are going to call it the Mc Dill Dough.

   It's so hot, the late Jack Kevorkian's suicide machine was turned into a Slurpee machine...

   It's so hot around the barn that the barnyard pimp won't even come out and check on his little chicks.

   Black Olives Matter... Just love them right out of the can and on salads.

   Why couldn't Eve have just made Adam a sandwich like other women?

   Do you think that sand is called sand because it’s between the sea and the land?