Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tip for Pokemon Go players. I just left a Squirtle and a Blastoise in the mall bathroom.

   Nintendo has gotten more kids off the couch in 2 days than Michelle Obama has in 8 years.

   I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.

   The FIRST Rule of Marriage Club is .... She's ALWAYS Right.

   I'm not worried about Werewolves, Vampires, Zombies or Haunted Hotels .... I'm worried about what real Human Beings will do to other Human Beings.

   obviously I'm against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor... it's pure gold

   if you hitchhike make sure to use your thumb correctly or people might think you're just congratulating them on their excellent driving

   Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

   The way a dog that doesn't play fetch looks at a thrown ball—that's how I feel about everything.

   CarefreeBlackKids2k16 offers both heated arguments with friends and figuring out how the dog filter works on Snapchat. Great way to unite America!

   My desire to be well-informed during this presidential election is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

   Your credit history may be a determining factor when applying for a loan or to be a future Trump supporter.

   First Child: Top-of-the-line diaper bag filled with everything he'll need until college.

   Second Child: Used diaper bag filled with enough basic essentials for the day.

   Third Child: Plastic grocery bag filled with one diaper, a half eaten cracker, and a flask.

   Among those in attendance at Lin-Manuel Miranda's final "Hamilton" performance were U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, Spike Lee and Mariska Hargitay. Too bad Alexander Hamilton missed the last performance.

   There's a secret apartment at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Oui, Oui, this is where I plan to meet a French prostitute the next time I visit Paris.

   The FBI recommends no charges be filed against Hillary Clinton. My next question is, when will Donald Trump be indicted and for what?

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling a crush and having a parent answer the phone.