Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First Child: Top-of-the-line diaper bag filled with everything he'll need until college.

   Second Child: Used diaper bag filled with enough basic essentials for the day.

   Third Child: Plastic grocery bag filled with one diaper, a half eaten cracker, and a flask.

   Among those in attendance at Lin-Manuel Miranda's final "Hamilton" performance were U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, Spike Lee and Mariska Hargitay. Too bad Alexander Hamilton missed the last performance.

   There's a secret apartment at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Oui, Oui, this is where I plan to meet a French prostitute the next time I visit Paris.

   The FBI recommends no charges be filed against Hillary Clinton. My next question is, when will Donald Trump be indicted and for what?

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling a crush and having a parent answer the phone.

   I am crying finding out that the world's greatest neurosurgeons finally meet, Dr. Drake Ramoray and Dr. Derek Shepard. What?!?! They are supposed to be dead.

   Where's B.lack Lives M@tter when 6 kids in Chicago get shot by other Black kids? Deserves an honest answer ... right?

   Bet you've never been at a party the cops have shown up to where Raffi's Bananaphone was the jam playing.

   What does Elizabeth Warren and Rachel Dolezal have in common? Neither one of them knows they're white. . .

   Certain lives matter ... But only when they are k.illed by cops .... But not so much when they are k.illed by each other ....

   ..... LOVE comes Naturally ........ HATE .... is learned .....

   .... Ya ....... When my lady says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have barely just enough time to fly to the Moon, write a poem about the Moon while I'm there before we actually go.

   The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time.

   Woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand, Whose wine, What wine? Where the H3LL did I dine? .... Awe who cares ... it was free!

   Life lesson: If you run out of Vicks vapor rub, never place IcyHot in your nose in place of it or it will make you scream in pain. #thingsthatmakeyouscreaminpain

   I thought a President you were suppose to FIX the problems facing the country ..... Not Make them WORSE!

   H R Clinton Deleted/Destroyed over 33,000 Emails AFTER being ordered to surrender her Private Server & ALL contents to Authorities. Because she deleted the emails Clinton is disqualified from holding public office under U.S. Code Title 18, Section 2071

   Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".