Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A “Tap Out” sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   You say mystery bruise, I say you're going to enjoy prison for a very long time.

   I always thought my adult life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.

   Always give your dog a middle name, so he/she knows when they're really in trouble.

   With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

   You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense.

   Gonna strap a snowblower on my car roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

   I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.

   I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.

   When you find your kid grooving to Nickelback....it's time to have that talk.

   I use the men's restroom even though I'm a woman because I identify with waiting on a shorter line.

   If you just came out of a one year coma, and everyone was telling you that Trump was the GOP nominee for President, you would be convinced you were on some kind of hidden camera prank show.

   I am sure hope this John Miller guy whoever he is, former spokesman to Donald Trump, becomes the Vice President nominee on the Republican ticket this year.

   Trump constantly flip flops on his positions, no one wants to see him wearing flip flops.

   John Miller is Donald Trump's fake spokesman, of was it Donald Trump who was John Miller's spokesman?? All we know is both of them sure sounded like Donald Trump.

   Donald Trump had a fake spokesman 25 years ago, perhaps he'll have a fake cabinet after being elected President.

   Firetrucks & ambulances would be much more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move" by Ludacris!

   Laughter is always the best medicine... unless you have diarrhea.

   A fun thing to do today when we leave the Zoo, will be to start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"