Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce."

   " It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout. " From a cashier prone to joblessness and hopelessness.

   I hate when I'm on a date and she's driving and I tell her I have to use the men's room and could she stop at a gas station she says, "You should've gone at home. Too bad. Hold it in."

   It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout.

   May every one of your life's ups and downs...occur in bed.

   I prefer my water to be frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka and tonic...

   Hello. You have reached the incontinence hotline. Please, hold...

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.

   I watched a documentary last night where this team of scientists studied the inside of a man bun. Turns out they are formed from craft beer and Maroon 5 CDs.

   If you name your child Penny, you can't really have very high expectations...

   Anybody know where I can purchase a George Zimmerman hoodie?

   I wonder if Uranus is getting tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes?

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

   My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

   While you guys were distracted by the smoke screens the Government placed in the form of gender neutral bathrooms, election drama, and racism...Tyler Perry was right under our noses making another movie. Wake up America. This has to stop.

   Gotta love a woman who can hand you your own ass.....

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in

   Watching Home Alone 3 and wondering what's taking children's services so long?

   Examination room walls have seen and heard more sincere prayers than any temple.

   Turns out I'm not a Jedi after all.....Bummer