Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before you are kind to strangers you must be just.

   Just found out other countries like bahamas, Africa and Russia are issue warnings not to travel to the US if you're a black person. When is Syria going to issue there warning?

   I once thought I would become a vegetarian because of how much I loved farm animals, then I realized how much I loved farm animals and there is no way I would become a vegetarian.

   ... Hey ..... My kid didn't have Child Safety Seats when growing up ... And look how well he turned out!!! He invented the Child Safety Seat and is now worth $187 Million ..... #SmartLivesMatter

   This status was written and copyrighted in America, stolen by the Chinese, and re-branded. But I was able to get it for a really good deal on EBay. Just took like a month to get here.

   .... I think we should all vote for Pedro and all our wildest dreams will come true .....

   If Trump builds a wall do the gays get to decorate it?

   I'm almost positive that Mona Lisa is smiling because she just passed gas and got away with it.

   Dod you know, Clinton's yoga emails are code for how she got Nickelback's ancestors together on the Titanic lifeboat.

   Having more RT's than likes is the social media unicorn.

   In Jurassic World, they were able to train raptors. Still not as impressive as the Flintstones convincing a bird to be their record player.

   If you enjoy loud wails, eating dinner cold, unexpected slime, and not showering properly for days....Smile! You're a Parent.

   Calm down people who smile for no reason....

   Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?

   If a bottle pops in the club and no one posts an Instagram video of it does it make a sound?

   Just want to be rich enough to sort by price from high to low.

   "That guy in the salmon colored shorts is getting laid tonight." -Said no woman ever

   We didn't have child safety seats when I was young. My Dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

   "Only my life matters." -Donald Trump

   Nothing says come at me like high waisted jorts and sensible sneakers.